The struggle against own will.

A colleague of mine noticed a deterioration in my knee, which partly was because of Ratchy, as when he gets excited, he bumped onto me on purpose and my knee gets abit of subluxation. Sigh. 

She began to scold me numerous times for not going for physiotherapy and follow-ups. Then one day she said in an annoyed, loud tone, "OH WHAT IF YOU REMAIN LIKE THIS FOREVER?"

I got upset. You know, people who never had the same problem as mine will never ever understand how I feel. 

I have a nagging problem and I don't need more people to remind me. That week, I packed lunch back to the office to eat. If you are unwilling to walk at my pace to go for lunch, I can eat on my own, and of course accompanied by Running Man on my laptop.

People who are healthy in that sense think, "Oh well, it's not difficult at all. You just have to do physiotherapy and yes, you recover in like a year!"

I have come to terms that people who have never experienced what you have gone through will think that action directly leads to outcome. If only life was so easy... 

We tend to forget that life isn't as straightforward as it sounds, as we forgot that agony, fear of falling, despair all came along with the injury.. It didn't incur to them the fact that one has been suffering from this for years, it has affected the person more than another can ever imagine.

The outsider would think "C'mon la, just get out of it!" But they didn't know that your knee bone structure is unique and your condition doesn't do as well as people who had a ligament reconstruction due to sports-related injuries. They didn't have total understanding no matter how hard you explained to them; only you know and only you had all the pain that the condition brought you played it all out in your head. Don't judge if you have inadequate knowledge about something; life is about being humble.

Yes, some people live by the philosophy -- if you have a problem, deal with it! Don't run away from it and hope for a miracle someday. The thing is, I need a miracle. Don't you think after so long you have known me, that I can be determined when I want to? 

My story has always been - work hard if you want to achieve greater heights. I tried, I can tell you I did, but the thing is, disappointments after disappointments gradually exhausts me, mostly mentally and emotionally. The resilience I used to have slowly self-destructed.

I guess it's really, really hard for someone to empathize with you, unless the person goes through it themselves.

Some people said, "WHY WHY are you always not careful? U know you have this problem, then you should learn to be extra careful!"

Imagine being careful for every step you take. How careful can you be when your upper leg suddenly lost strength and gave way just like that? How careful can you be when you can just step on a tiny rock and fall?

"OH, u poor thing! I'm so, so sorry.." was the reaction of a person whom I just met.

WHAT ARE YOU SORRY FOR? Sorry that you are blessed with not having this condition and I am not? Oh please, don't say anything. U are just gonna make it worse, I promise.

"Oh u know, I told my husband about your condition. He asked why not you try knee guards?" 

Did I not try everything already?? If knee guards work, why didn't I wear them? Why did you think that I didn't try hard enough?

Dogs love you and accept you the way you are, limping or not, and sometimes I sincerely hope some humans can do that too.

Please, friends, the next time you see someone limp, think of me; if you care about the person, don't talk about his/her condition. Almost every human she met on the streets has talked about it; she really doesn't need more "advice". She is only willing to talk to someone who did the same surgery before, someone who totally emotionally, spiritually understands her journey towards recovery. Just walk at his/her pace and treat him/her as someone without the condition.

She doesn't need your sympathy and/or your extra care, I promise. Don't torment her by imposing shame and guilt on her anymore. 

She is not stupid; she knows herself and her condition the most, and she knows that only she, will walk out of her condition and misery herself.

No nagging nor comforting words will help.

Appreciation

Two years into my career.

Like many, I have more or less achieved a steady state in my work; stability has set in and the fact that I am sure of it, makes me feel even more stable. Once you are feeling how used to the job you become, it gets a lot tougher to leave the workplace for another opportunity. You know, the next step to stability in the workplace, is to find a peer, someone who is the same level as you and understands your challenges, frustrations, and fears.

You can have a best friend somewhere but it's imperative to have one in your workplace, because he/she will play a key role of why you look forward to work everyday. 

I am proud to say that I have such a friend at work, and her being there for me is what sustains me through the difficult times. After she left recently (didn't manage to make her stay, boohoo), I felt a part of me disappear.

In my last post, I said it was time to put things into perspective and I meant it. I thought of leaving; mainly 'cause it's been two years and I still work day to night almost everyday, partly 'cause the good doctor has the abundance mindset and extended my help to every doctor in the department, and of course the fact that this colleague left and there won't be anyone like her anymore.

From the moment she tendered her resignation, I guess everyone, including the good doctor, sensed that I was feeling rather lousy. As usual, annoying Junwen asked everyday if she left, just to rub salt into my wound.

You know, I didn't let my emotions spin out of control at work but eventually actions can't lie, as my aura of sorrows that lingered in the air wherever I went has begun to engulf some people. Haha! He came and talked to me, and one of his words were, "We have our priorities, and you are important to us." 

What this boss did was something I felt my ex-boss failed to do. He has always always been appreciative of whatever things we do and he made it a point to thank us in whichever way we helped, big or small.

Also, recently, the good doctor made the small doctor our Programme Deputy Director, and so that was how the small doctor became my boss too. It was more assuring when the small doctor who has been following the good doctor and being arrowed to do more than ever (like me), said , "I suppose that you like what you are doing, and I think if you stop doing what you are doing because you are too tired, it will be a waste. I'll talk to him and see if we can get some help."

Geriatricians of this hospital are really, a unique set of doctors. Geriatrics is not the most glorious kind of specialty and one of the least money-making, but geriatricians of this hospital did not go into geriatrics because they want the fame or the money. They just, simply, have the heart to serve and care for their patients.

Oh well, it's hard to leave even though I told myself that I should have been enjoying weekends, having some personal time, and hanging out more with friends and family. Nothing in life is perfect, and well, I should never expect to fulfill my unrealistic hope. I like my job and my boss, and I should appreciate how blessed this is.

Ratchy and Brownie.

                                

26 Sept 2015

We got married, officially! :D

The SOSD volunteers only became more acquainted with Simba after the B Pups came for stay-cation at our place. Not knowing how he was like before, they didn't know what to expect from him and imagined a day that he might just release the puppies back in the wild in a fit of anger. They were cleaning and tidying up the house daily, buying stuff for him, and apologising all week round, in fear that he might lose his cool one day.

At the end of the stay, Simba did not lose his cool despite the mess and lack of sleep (which is predictable), and the volunteers were very, very grateful and at the same time, surprised.  They said, "Your husband is kind, and he is so accommodating... He is awesome!"

Seeing how Simba treats the dogs is earth-shattering - okay maybe not for you, but definitely for me. Haha! Not disciplining them and always standing on their side, even when they did wrong really makes me wonder what kind of dad he will be, if ever we have kids. I guess I have to slowly get used to the fact that he will spoil them big time, cos like an old man, Simba is resistant to change, whether it is to change in the environment or the change in himself.  Although he is a shrinking violet who appears soft and withdrawn, he has a stubborn streak. Haha! Nevertheless, Simba is still awesome!

Here is one of my favourite photos from the busy but joyous day:

Blogging has always been what I take pleasure in and it was also a platform where I can reflect and spend time with myself, but for the last two years (since I joined the workplace), work had taken over my life, taken over not only blogging, but going out, online shopping and spending time with anyone at all, including Simba. 

Spending a great deal of time at work doing work, and also almost every day after work doing work was draining me out; I knew it but somehow I lived my life in transparency; as though there was nothing so wrong to stay the course in my early career, which cost me almost everything else - time with family and Simba, exercise, time for myself, my weight, my operated knee etc. (Ok, I started binge eating and in doing so, added alot of stress on the knee due to the weight gain.)

I have been oddly basking in happiness and satisfaction at work, I can describe it as almost euphoric! It's odd it's crazy. These two years I learnt and matured, experienced learning in a different (different good), restoring way, much more than what boring didactic lectures in school have taught me. Having been exposed to several opportunities and entrusted with multiple roles, I felt empowered and had this drive which oddly came from somewhere within that seemed beyond my control. If I figure this out correctly, all of these motivation stemmed from the good doctor and the knowledge that he would be there for his staff (including me) whenever support is required.

And I think the word is 'blossom'. I blossomed. My newfound confidence to present work to nursing directors and doctors, and  things for me to accomplish and be better at them each time have made me a person who doesn't mind going to work every day.

However, now is also the time to put things into perspective; to think about whether work is worth this much of a sacrifice, and to strive to achieve a life which I think is appropriate for me, my small family which consists of me and Simba, and my foster dogs.

-----

Ratchy, 11 months old, and adopted on 17 Jul 2015. 

His adopter passed away due to an unanticipated accident, leaving behind her husband and him. Traumatised and overwhelmed by grief, her husband gave up on him eventually. He was back to us a month ago.

Ratchy was one of the cute looking mongrels around, rescued together with his siblings and mum. They were the Transformer pups (don't ask me why) and his siblings are Jazz, Bumble, Primey and Spikey. When Ratchy was younger, he was notorious in destroying everything in sight, and unfriendly towards some dogs, all cats, and humans. By "unfriendly", I don't mean he stray away from strangers when he sees them. In fact, he would bite them, and it is without any warning or trigger. 

My volunteer friend was his foster parent, and having fostered about 15 dogs of various temperaments before, this was the first time her dad said (after Ratchy chewed and shredded their sofa into pieces), "Val, no more fostering dogs after this!"

You know, there's like a hidden curse in our organization. Dogs who appeal more to humans have a higher likelihood of failing homestay. Homestay is a week trial stay at the potential adopter's place before the adopter decides to adopt the dog. Ratchy failed four homestays in total, all for multiple reasons, before he found this kind adopter who was willing to work on his issues. It must have been traumatizing for a dog to move house five times all within a week. He took weeks to adjust to this adopter's place; peeing and pooping on the same spot took him a week He bit her once and our rehab volunteer visited her home four times to teach her how to "communicate" and love him in a way that he doesn't feel threatened.

Ratchy's happiness was short-lived when the adopter died two months later. My friend who used to foster him brought him home, taking the risk of chased out of the house by her parents.

Her own dog, Oreo, who was the friendliest dog around, was the first one who rejected Ratchy, and in response, Ratchy bit him on the second walk my friend took them for.

Oreo is a schnauzer, so from the start he was on the losing end in terms of size. He suffered a few wounds and became so traumatized that he couldn't bring himself to stay in the same room as Ratchy. He would run to another room to hide if Ratchy went into his room.

On the following day, My friend's brother was walking past Ratchy when Ratchy bit him before anyone could react. Just like that! It was two days in her house and her parents wanted him to vanish then and there.

My friend was at a loss. She scampered to find someone who was willing to foster him but always at the back of her mind, she knew I will not reject her request, so there was me as her last resort. As a Rehoming volunteer who is busy enough visiting homes and following up with adoption cases, I didn't sign up for fostering. 

There were three potential fosterers before me. Together with the potential fosterer A that night, they walked him, in the attempt to familiarize him with

 the neighborhood before bringing him back to A's house.

We were not expecting him to draw A's blood even before he entered her place. A's mum was petrified. Although A was still open to the idea of fostering him, her mum said there is no way he could stay in their house as he was deemed in her eyes to "unpredictable and dangerous".

My friend was stuck with Ratchy near A's house at 8 plus at night, not knowing where to head to. She called me a dozen times at night but I was away from the phone. Eventually, she managed to get another newly acquainted fosterer to help. The rehab volunteer then told my friend to go home and he took over, as he sensed that as Ratchy regarded her as a property of his, and anyone who comes near her will be treated as enemy.

It turned out that the rehab volunteer was right. Ratchy didn't feel intimidated in the new fosterer B's place after my friend left and peacefully spent the night in his kitchen. It was when I thought, "hey, maybe I don't have to foster Ratchy afterall."

It was just the next day that the fosterer wants to return him. Sighhh... He said his two boys fell sick overnight, and he couldn't cope. Whatttt... Sometimes some humans imagined themselves being kind by offering to help a street dog, but they were not kind enough when they thought caring for an animal is easy. Once the animal got to their house, they regret spontaneously. This is really not helping; you are just fabricating more problems for the volunteers like us, who work full-time and have family.

Oh well, the next fosterer C who was the backup for Ratchy took in another dog when we told her that night that Ratchy was well settled in the B's place.

And hence, it was how Ratchy came to me the following night. 

Many other volunteers who were closer to me asked me not to risk it. 

"Brownie will live in fear."

"Your husband and Brownie will be traumatised."

"Tell them to find another fosterer after a day at your place. Tell them you can't cope."

"He should go to the shelter; his behaviour is so erratic. I know it's cruel for him to be in the environment but there are volunteers who can train him."

However, you know, I always have this positiveness in me; it's like I was born with it. Deep down, I have certain level of confidence that both Simba and I can help Ratchy and I really feel like helping a mongrel.

Both Brownie and Ratchy are dominant dogs, but what the heck, I will just take things as they go. Maybe it

The rehab volunteer came by and helped "introduce Brownie to Ratchy". This is an important measure when you introduce a new dog into the family, as whether the dog and the house dog get along afterwards depends solely on how good (or bad) the introduction goes. He also shared with us some tips to handle them both and we were gravely thankful for that.

We were terrified, for the history he had with humans were unpleasant. Initially, when I first saw him, fear set in quick. He has that look in his eyes that can make your heart cold literally. He growled at Brownie as soon as they met, so Brownie the Coward's first instinct was the flight (never the fight) - she dashed at the first growl and whined. Lol.

As part of the "introduction", the volunteer asked us, Brownie and I, to walk around, circling Ratchy while he sat on a spot. I wasn't sure what I was thinking, but it is definitely wild thoughts. (Told Jun Wen to run home after work but he was still late; I guess cos subconsciously he was not sure how to face Ratchy. Lol.)

The rehab volunteer, Andrew and both dogs.

The dogs turned so calm and obedient in his hands; Brownie didn't even bark at any passing stranger and she sat down outside home. (She never did that before, and I thought it was because she thinks the floor is dirty. Brownie has always been hygienic. I was so wrong. Andrew said I shouldn't have humanised the dog, as afterall they are never humans and could not rationalize their actions.)

Then I had to walk both of them together. Had to clear my mind after Andrew advised, "Abandon the thought that he will bite you and he won't turn your thought into reality."

It was hard to pretend that Ratchy won't decide to just turn and bite Brownie. Brownie is half his weight and the bite wound is gonna be so serious.

Ratchy likes women more than men, and so it wasn't much of a problem for me to walk him. However, when Simba took over, he was so scared and fidgety. When Andrew told him straight to his face that there is a high possibility of Simba being bitten, I saw fear overcoming him in an instant. Lol.

 After a long walk, another necessary step was to introduce him to the house. Like a tour around the country, we showed him to every part of the house and let him smell everything.

All geared up for Ratchy's stay: 

- I bought Brownie a tee to protect her from Ratchy in case he decides that her flesh is yummy.

The tee which says, "I am not fat, I am just furry." Lol.

It was a size bigger for her, cos the size chart told me to get size L for a west highland terrier and I forgot Brownie is a terrier cross. :D

- Also bought lounge pants and slippers for Simba and I to wear at home. Haha!

His first night. He didn't sleep a wink. 

He was staring at us while we slept. You can't imagine how much fear that he instilled in me, and some volunteer friends of mine said Simba must be trembling in bed, fearing that Ratchy might lunge at him in the middle of the night. Haha!

Plenty of pics I took during his first 2 weeks with us:

Celene and Ashlee visited Ratchy the second night, and to celebrate Ash's birthday. They witnessed the intense and insecure look in Ratchy and was also overwhelmed with fear when they came into the house.
Celene wore jeans LOL. This was the first time I've ever seen her wear jeans!

And when Ash came in, he backed, and growled and growled, like he did to Simba first few days. She didn't dare to move an inch after that, and it was her birthday.

                           

Most of the time, they would copycat each other's action, which, to me, was so adorable! My friend realised that Brownie likes to peep into the kitchen, hoping that there's food. Haa. It almost looked like she didn't want to waste her efforts walking a bit more to get food. So lazyyyy!

                             

                              

     

      

     

     

       

   

Coming home to a mess everyday. Haha. The life of having a puppy at home; be prepared for the pup's separation anxiety if you were to leave him/her alone for 10-12 hours daily.

And my friend add caption to this pic I sent her. 

LOL!
Ratchy feigned ignorance and made Brownie the scapegoat.

    Walking them is a good way to lose weight. You just keep perspiring when they are attracted by different smells and move in different directions.

Regardless, having a dog or two will be the best choice you will ever have made in life. They love you more than anyone else does and most of all, if you love to talk and no one listens, a dog will be your the right companion for you. But don't buy a dog anymore, cos if you do, you are encouraging more puppy mills, a place where dogs are kept in cramped areas for breeding exercises. Also, dogs which aren't sold by a certain time will be put to sleep.

Adopt, don't shop.