The struggle against own will.

A colleague of mine noticed a deterioration in my knee, which partly was because of Ratchy, as when he gets excited, he bumped onto me on purpose and my knee gets abit of subluxation. Sigh. 

She began to scold me numerous times for not going for physiotherapy and follow-ups. Then one day she said in an annoyed, loud tone, "OH WHAT IF YOU REMAIN LIKE THIS FOREVER?"

I got upset. You know, people who never had the same problem as mine will never ever understand how I feel. 

I have a nagging problem and I don't need more people to remind me. That week, I packed lunch back to the office to eat. If you are unwilling to walk at my pace to go for lunch, I can eat on my own, and of course accompanied by Running Man on my laptop.

People who are healthy in that sense think, "Oh well, it's not difficult at all. You just have to do physiotherapy and yes, you recover in like a year!"

I have come to terms that people who have never experienced what you have gone through will think that action directly leads to outcome. If only life was so easy... 

We tend to forget that life isn't as straightforward as it sounds, as we forgot that agony, fear of falling, despair all came along with the injury.. It didn't incur to them the fact that one has been suffering from this for years, it has affected the person more than another can ever imagine.

The outsider would think "C'mon la, just get out of it!" But they didn't know that your knee bone structure is unique and your condition doesn't do as well as people who had a ligament reconstruction due to sports-related injuries. They didn't have total understanding no matter how hard you explained to them; only you know and only you had all the pain that the condition brought you played it all out in your head. Don't judge if you have inadequate knowledge about something; life is about being humble.

Yes, some people live by the philosophy -- if you have a problem, deal with it! Don't run away from it and hope for a miracle someday. The thing is, I need a miracle. Don't you think after so long you have known me, that I can be determined when I want to? 

My story has always been - work hard if you want to achieve greater heights. I tried, I can tell you I did, but the thing is, disappointments after disappointments gradually exhausts me, mostly mentally and emotionally. The resilience I used to have slowly self-destructed.

I guess it's really, really hard for someone to empathize with you, unless the person goes through it themselves.

Some people said, "WHY WHY are you always not careful? U know you have this problem, then you should learn to be extra careful!"

Imagine being careful for every step you take. How careful can you be when your upper leg suddenly lost strength and gave way just like that? How careful can you be when you can just step on a tiny rock and fall?

"OH, u poor thing! I'm so, so sorry.." was the reaction of a person whom I just met.

WHAT ARE YOU SORRY FOR? Sorry that you are blessed with not having this condition and I am not? Oh please, don't say anything. U are just gonna make it worse, I promise.

"Oh u know, I told my husband about your condition. He asked why not you try knee guards?" 

Did I not try everything already?? If knee guards work, why didn't I wear them? Why did you think that I didn't try hard enough?

Dogs love you and accept you the way you are, limping or not, and sometimes I sincerely hope some humans can do that too.

Please, friends, the next time you see someone limp, think of me; if you care about the person, don't talk about his/her condition. Almost every human she met on the streets has talked about it; she really doesn't need more "advice". She is only willing to talk to someone who did the same surgery before, someone who totally emotionally, spiritually understands her journey towards recovery. Just walk at his/her pace and treat him/her as someone without the condition.

She doesn't need your sympathy and/or your extra care, I promise. Don't torment her by imposing shame and guilt on her anymore. 

She is not stupid; she knows herself and her condition the most, and she knows that only she, will walk out of her condition and misery herself.

No nagging nor comforting words will help.

Appreciation

Two years into my career.

Like many, I have more or less achieved a steady state in my work; stability has set in and the fact that I am sure of it, makes me feel even more stable. Once you are feeling how used to the job you become, it gets a lot tougher to leave the workplace for another opportunity. You know, the next step to stability in the workplace, is to find a peer, someone who is the same level as you and understands your challenges, frustrations, and fears.

You can have a best friend somewhere but it's imperative to have one in your workplace, because he/she will play a key role of why you look forward to work everyday. 

I am proud to say that I have such a friend at work, and her being there for me is what sustains me through the difficult times. After she left recently (didn't manage to make her stay, boohoo), I felt a part of me disappear.

In my last post, I said it was time to put things into perspective and I meant it. I thought of leaving; mainly 'cause it's been two years and I still work day to night almost everyday, partly 'cause the good doctor has the abundance mindset and extended my help to every doctor in the department, and of course the fact that this colleague left and there won't be anyone like her anymore.

From the moment she tendered her resignation, I guess everyone, including the good doctor, sensed that I was feeling rather lousy. As usual, annoying Junwen asked everyday if she left, just to rub salt into my wound.

You know, I didn't let my emotions spin out of control at work but eventually actions can't lie, as my aura of sorrows that lingered in the air wherever I went has begun to engulf some people. Haha! He came and talked to me, and one of his words were, "We have our priorities, and you are important to us." 

What this boss did was something I felt my ex-boss failed to do. He has always always been appreciative of whatever things we do and he made it a point to thank us in whichever way we helped, big or small.

Also, recently, the good doctor made the small doctor our Programme Deputy Director, and so that was how the small doctor became my boss too. It was more assuring when the small doctor who has been following the good doctor and being arrowed to do more than ever (like me), said , "I suppose that you like what you are doing, and I think if you stop doing what you are doing because you are too tired, it will be a waste. I'll talk to him and see if we can get some help."

Geriatricians of this hospital are really, a unique set of doctors. Geriatrics is not the most glorious kind of specialty and one of the least money-making, but geriatricians of this hospital did not go into geriatrics because they want the fame or the money. They just, simply, have the heart to serve and care for their patients.

Oh well, it's hard to leave even though I told myself that I should have been enjoying weekends, having some personal time, and hanging out more with friends and family. Nothing in life is perfect, and well, I should never expect to fulfill my unrealistic hope. I like my job and my boss, and I should appreciate how blessed this is.