Overoptimism

Some people choose to see the ugliness of this world... I choose to see the beauty.
Some people say... Overoptimism will kill me. Haha. I choose, now, to be a realist, not just an optimist.

"A permissist complains about the wind;
An optimist expects it to change;
A realist adjusts his sails."

Sometimes I admit that being optimistic isn't going to change things... To make my own life history is really up to me. If I have tried over and over again, and every month for the past 3 years, I told myself, "Yes, next month it will be better... Next month..." And it never did.

It's tiring... I decided that I am the decider of my own life. It's time to move on. Find something that treats you more humanely... that you have time for your husband and family.. It's sad that you miss your husband even though he's in the same house as you.

Appreciate the people who have saved your lives.

This story was cited in our meeting last week: 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/darren-hardy/whos-packing-your-parachu_b_6038568.html

Be appreciative to the people who work behind the scenes!

Compassion hurts.

Self-Compassion

It's all too easy to go all hard on yourself, but please don't be. Learn to be imperfectly prefect.

The art of self-compassion:

http://ed.ted.com/featured/pDulIc5E

Life is a marathon, not a sprint.

Something I need to learn: Take work slow - work is a marathon, not a sprint. Don't miss out the things you aren't intended to miss, because of work.

https://quizlet.com/145105471/the-career-advice-i-wish-i-had-at-25-flash-cards/

Strengths Test - My Top 5 Strengths

Have you heard of Gallup's Clifton Strengthfinders test?

"Based on a 40-year study of human strengths, Gallup created a language of the 34 most common talents and developed the Clifton StrengthsFinder assessment to help people discover and describe these talents.

Gallup research proves that people succeed when they focus on what they do best. When they identify their talents and develop them into strengths, people are more productive, perform better, and are more engaged.

Gallup's Clifton StrengthsFinder assessment is the first step in helping people identify their talents. Clifton StrengthsFinder results give people a way to discuss and develop their unique combination of skills, talents, and knowledge -- also known as strengths."

As part of the main committee in Rehoming, I attended a workshop on Strengths due to influence (pressure) from ahem management. The background of this workshop is to allow the team to uncover own strengths and better comprehend one another's strengths, and with that, try to better work together. The team can also harness each other's strengths by perhaps allowing a certain member take on a role that he/she is good at.

To be brutally honest, volunteer work is tough, and this comes as a surprise for me. You have to work with people from various backgrounds, and this heterogeneity can drive you quite crazy. Imagine working with 7 people of all different ages, different professions, and their train of thoughts somewhat different from yours - haha; what they find logical is totally off tangent to you. In your eyes, they are quite crazy. Just when you think volunteers are kind people, you are right but not quite - they are kind people with anger issues sometimes haha.

Before attending the workshop, we had to take a survey that consists of 166 questions and each question is on a likert scale.;) The survey costs USD $15 and I totally feel it's money worth spending on, because I got to understand why I do the things I do!

Here are my top 5 strengths:

1. Connectedness

2. Responsibility 

3. Individualization

4. Achiever

5. Arranger

Here is a short description of all of my talents:

1. Connectedness 

Things happen for a reason. Those with strong Connectedness talents are sure of it. They have a powerful conviction that everyone is connected. While each person is responsible for his or her own judgments and actions, those with strong Connectedness believe everyone is part of something larger. This belief implies certain responsibilities. Their awareness of these responsibilities creates their value system. They are considerate, caring, and accepting. Certain of the unity of humankind, they build bridges for people of different cultures. They give others comfort that there is a purpose beyond everyday existence. Their faith is strong. It sustains them and their close friends in the face of life’s mysteries. 

2. Responsibility  

People with strong Responsibility talents take psychological ownership for anything they commit to, whether it is large or small, and they feel emotionally bound to follow it through to completion. They keep their promises and honor their commitments. They don’t let people down, and they work very hard to fulfill all of their responsibilities and keep their word. Their conscientiousness, their drive for doing things right, and their impeccable ethics combine to create the reputation of being utterly dependable.

3. Individualization  

People with strong Individualization talents are intrigued by and have an understanding of the unique qualities of each person. Impatient with generalizations, they focus on the differences among individuals. They instinctively observe each person’s style and motivation, how each thinks, and how each builds relationships. They keenly observe other people’s strengths and draw out the best
in each person. Their Individualization talents help them to build productive teams. While some search around for the perfect team “structure” or “process,” they know instinctively that the secret to great teams is casting by individual strengths so that everyone can do a lot of what they do well.

4. Achiever 

Achievers have a constant need for attainment. They have an internal fire burning inside them. It pushes them to do more, to achieve more. People with strong Achiever talents feel as if every day starts at zero. By the end of the day they must accomplish something meaningful to feel good about themselves. And “every day” means every single day — workdays, weekends, holidays, and even vacations. If the day passes without some form of achievement, no matter how small, Achievers feel dissatisfied. Upon finishing a challenging project, they rarely seek to be rewarded with a rest or an easy assignment. While they appreciate recognition for past achievements, their motivation lies in striving toward the next goal on the horizon.

5. Arranger
Arrangers are conductors. When faced with a complex situation involving many factors, people with strong Arranger talents enjoy managing all of the variables, aligning and realigning them until they are sure they have arranged them in the most productive configuration possible. They are shining examples of effective flexibility, whether they are changing travel schedules at the last minute because they found a better fare or are mulling over just the right combination of people and resources to accomplish a new project. From the mundane to the complex, they are always looking for the perfect configuration. They are at their best in dynamic situations. Confronted with the unexpected, they jump into the confusion, devise new options, hunt for new paths, and figure out new partnerships — because, after all, there might just be a better way.

Do you think these are me? I really have to agree with these!

Transcendence

It's yet another birthday of mine, but this time it marks the end of my 20s. Haha. As I step into the big 30, I feel old (haha) but at the same time, never felt more alive, positive and grateful. 

Perhaps, due to my nature of my work, since the last few months, I realized how important it is to build relationships - it comes intuitively to some people, but it doesn't for me. Just the thought of striking a conversation with someone new and trying to be close to someone hurts. I'm just plain lazy sometimes. 

But then, I began to realize that the heart of every relationship lies in the conversation. The way you say things and how you say and phrase them is so important; as for every action there's a reaction. Your words can affect people, they can make people feel happy and comforted or if you aren't careful, they can make people's feelings go the other direction. Be genuine in the conversation, also, because people aren't stupid, they can sense your hypocrisy from afar. 

What really hit me hard was the realization that I am not the only one dwelling in my own misery, getting lost in it and not getting out of it... Wow, how self-absorbed I am. It's crazy how a lot of people struggled with self esteem and confidence. I did that - the experience wasn't something pleasant and I never want to go back there again.

I learnt that letting go is the key to happiness. I know this have been mentioned so many times in self-improvement books, in Facebook/Instagram, or as a quote by someone famous, but I think I never did fully understand its meaning. I guess it's because I didn't let go... The fact that I didn't know how to and I feel that it's impossible to, I didn't try, not a single bit of it. 

When I stop being so focused on myself and being so self-absorbed, I learn to focus on others. Then... Nothing really matters anymore, doesn't it? Whether you go out with makeup on and your hair neat or not... Whether you have to present work to others and receive plenty of criticism or not... Whether you feel guilty over not being a good enough wife or not... These are just expectations you set for yourself, and once you don't fulfill them, there's suffering (reality - expectations = suffering) and you should never allow suffering to get to you. There's really no need for such expectations to stress you - nothing matters that much.

When I finally understood this, it was pretty much a relief - took me 29 years but it seems so worth it, because I finally know any problem, no matter how big it is, don't engulf me and I feel big enough to handle it. 

When you no longer feel that whirlwind of emotions triggered by others, you may have just achieved transcendence. Somehow I think I'm taking steps towards this form, this form of serenity and peace - I really want to be that emotionally stable, nurturing person.

I don't know about anyone else but I have always felt in me the relentless pursuit of happiness. I've never really gotten that kind of happiness I long for, or sought after. I mean, there's plenty of positivism in me - the burning desire to do something and I always know it will turn out well or if it is bad at current state, it can only improve. I don't know but I feel maybe I was never truly happy and hence I need to keep searching the happiness I imagined. Maybe this form of happiness was just too far-fetched or it doesn't exist, I don't know.

And then, I started to feel that peace is my form of happiness and is the root of how happiness can begin for me. Achieving transcendence and letting go of everything that have hurt could lead to peace.

From a chat with an SOSD friend, I became conscientiously aware that people are complex and they are engineered genetically to be complex. How they act and react to things stem from their upbringing, their beliefs, and the principles held close to them or in other words, their story (how they perceive the world to be). All the actions or people who did the actions that seem odd to you, aren't actually odd at all. They are just different from your lens (your perception of the world). What you perceived as reality may not be the truth. I learnt that your interpretation of the truth may be just partial, and not the whole truth. Hence, remember that - your assumption of an event that happened is not the truth, and you shouldn't take it as the truth.

What is the main principle that you hold close to? 

The single main value that I live by everyday is to be grateful. I don't expect anyone to do anything for me, and if they do, I am truly grateful. That's why I say thank you a lot. That's why I genuinely appreciate people's effort to do something. There's suffering when there's a set of expectations and you are unable to fulfill them. I don't know when was it when I started to not have any expectations for others. Maybe that's why dogs are so therapeutic to me - their immense gratefulness has given me a lot of indescribable, intense joy. 

All the issues I have with myself are just experiences that make me grow... and make me into this person I'm now.

For myself to change, I need a perception change. Most of all, I learnt that in order to start to change, I need a declaration. I need to declare (with conviction) that there's something not right in my life and I need to commit to making it right.

Let's start with my struggles with work:

From this day forward, I change my story (my whole perception of what life is about). 

I change my story from "I can do everything and anything without help." to "I need help. No one is an island. No one can do everything at a time and do it well. Let me focus on one thing at a time and do it well."

Brownie, the therapy.

Brownie, ever so therapeutic to the soul.

They say, dogs no matter how old they are, they are stuck at a kid's age - true that! Brownie, like many other dogs, is so afraid of being lonely - she would scratch the door of the study room until I called her name. There was only dead silence for the next 30 minutes, so I went to investigate if she was up to any mischief. Before I could fully open the door, she dashed right into the room - she was all along patiently waiting right outside the room!

Love life, and it will love you back.

Something I saw, which I thought is worth sharing and serve as a reminder for us:

Love life and it will love you back.

http://elitedaily.com/life/questions-to-tell-if-youre-happy/1343578/

The transfer.

As some of you may know, Yishun Community Hospital has been set up right next to us, and a research institute (Geriatric Education Research Institute, GERI) was established by MOH with the aim of incorporating more studies on geriatrics and geriatrics-related training. 

It was March school holidays and the good doctor went on leave to accompany his kids. Before he went on leave, he asked me to meet the deputy of GERI to discuss with him what studies that we currently have and whether some of these studies can be transferred over to be part of GERI research.

However, the agenda of the meeting turned out to be something different - it turned out to be like an interview. The deputy began the conversation with "What is your background?" and as it went on, I sensed something was really wrong. He asked me if I want to transfer to GERI and I was kind of taken aback by it. I asked, "Could it be a mistake, because Dr. J (the good doctor) didn't inform me?"

And he said no, and went on to tell me the benefits of joining GERI - "the better career, the more proper training, working with people with more experience in research, and Dr. J is a doctor; he doesn't know much about research and he's not experienced, etc."

Whatever he said then became fader and fader; all I cared about was ... the thought of leaving the good doctor. The thought of leaving someone so nice, so inspiring, so genuine, hurt me. I asked when I finally got the chance to speak, "Will I still be working with Dr. J?" After rolling his eyes a little, his reply was, "Move is natural. I can't guarantee that you always work with the same doctor. In GERI, you work with different doctors, and you learn a lot more by working with a variety of people..."

Oh well, I went out of the meeting feeling so lost and confused. I hate to be transferred and follow a new leader. I hate to leave the good doctor. The good doctor changed my life (not exaggerating). He told me that life is all about building relationships. Everything in life, the way to work with our "clients" (basically anyone) should be based on trust and relationship. I've never seen someone so intelligent but so patient, so accepting, so grateful, and so calm.

Who else would spend 3 hours explaining to his staff about something and even drew a diagram of the human body system?

All I've experienced so far at any workplace before meeting the good doctor has not been good. There are a lot of finger pointing, quarrels, and discrimination etc. it's scary to survive day to day in that form of environment.

I asked the small doctor if he knew about this and he said no. He came out of his workshop halfway to talk to me in person. His words were so gentle and so kind, "I'm sorry that you have to experience this news early in the morning. I'm glad that you still chose us over what's called a better opportunity. I'm quite certain that Dr. J won't transfer you without asking for your permission. You know, we just want the best for you. If by the end of the day, if it's your wish to do the transfer, we make sure that we do a proper one for you. Of course, we will be happier if you stay with us. And ya, of course you still have your 3rd option: to open a pet grooming shop and as promised, I'll be your investor and support you for that." I teared (again) because I was so moved by his words. 

Dr. L, the small doctor, said he loves to help people and helping people is his main goal in his life: he can set a KPI for the amount of people he wants to help / helped.

When the good doctor came back the following week, I texted him, and he called and said it was not his intention to transfer me. It could be a wrong impression formed by the deputy.

I said "I thought it was a decision made between both of you." He said, "What? If really that was the case, I would have asked you. I wouldn't do such a thing without asking you and respecting you..." :')

How can I ever leave, the doctors who really care - people who are truly worthy to be called the true healers of our society? They changed my life; and how I look at things - mostly it's to let go, and love people more, as much as I love dogs. Haha.

My challenges are small.

The social worker believes in observing how you behave and say, to deduce your story (how you always perceive life to be), and tries to change your story. It's quite an experience studying human emotions; I learnt that everybody struggles/struggled with one thing or another - it's really not just me. Seeing the struggles unfold right before my very eyes, I realized and felt deeply that they are so real and so genuine; they are almost tangible. Humans don't show these emotions often, and I'm glad I have a chance to see them, because if not, I thought it has always been me who is struggling with life. How much more self-centered can I be!

The doctor believes in changing the story that you are aware of - something you know you are struggling with right now, and not try to read the struggles that you didn't know you were grappling with, and then make you aware of it. The doctor believes in helping you with the struggles that are obvious to you.

To the doctor, the human mind is so complex that you can't just unlock locked, sad memories and attempt to lock them back with just the snap of the fingers. It's just doesn't work that way. "Don't attempt to open a can of worms, if you aren't confident to close it back." was their philosophy.

What do you think?

During my recent ward round attachment with the small doctor, a palliative care specialist, I saw a lady so charged with emotions; she's not ready to accept her mum's impending death. It was definitely a sight I could remember forever - a lady with anticipatory grief, and with occasional tears welling up in her eyes (and apologizing for her tears), say, "Do everything for my mum to keep her alive." 

Really, this gave me a different perspective to life.

Anger, annoyance, evil people etc - It all doesn't matter anymore, because challenges you faced/are facing are actually a trivial part of life. 

When you see someone like the small doctor who deals with death and grief on a daily basis and people who have difficulty coping with their loved ones' imminent death, what you are facing right now is so small that it isn't even worth mentioning.

Dress like a manager.

Take home message for the day:

"When you are an exec (executive), dress like a manager."

In the workplace, you are very gravely thankful that people who know you respect you. However, to the outside world, you are just a lass who knows nothing; it seems to them that you have nothing to impress them about, and nothing you say can make them not brush you away.

Now, the society is forcing you to be mature. Now that you are 30, you are not to talk like you were 20, but talk like you are 40. The thing is, what's naturally and awfully wrong with you is that you felt like you never change since you were 20; you felt like a school girl free of worries and always looking forward to each coming day. Well... I hope this is a good constant.

It's contradicting how people see you; a colleague in her 40s, who said, "You are the 2nd mature 29-year-old I've ever met." while the small doctor who is 35 and acts like 50, said you are so, so immature that he can't stand you sometimes. Eh... What???

What's your definition of maturity? To our managers, you can't just think mature or act mature; you have to dress and speak mature, so that people who don't know you will try not to treat you like a kid. It's the whole package.

I think maturity comes with experience. Some people have been through so much more than the others, whether personally or as an observer of others' lives, and these people mature faster.

Say goodbye to dresses with prints and dresses above knee level! 

Deep conversations aren't coincidences.

"It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to cry... Don't keep running and hide."

It's scary how a person can read you so well, how he/she can enter into your private space of thoughts, and feel how you have been feeling, within months of knowing you. What he/she did was a in-depth conversation that he/she can manipulate you into having with him/her, and in the midst of it, he/she offered you a distinction, which is an option that you have never thought of and is worth pursuing.

"You know, you aren't weak. You kept saying you feel weak, but you aren't, you know. In fact, I see that your lower legs are quite strong and they have been supporting you all these years. It's your mind that is crippling you."

"Go on, walk... Don't be afraid... I'm right behind you. Don't keep looking down. Nobody walks looking down. You should look in front and occasionally look down to observe for any obstruction or danger."

"You see, you walk and walk, and walk without falling. I am just your false sense of security."

Just when you thought the good doctor has the most immense patience and empathy out of all the people you've ever met, his favourite small doctor has the heart to heal people, not just medically, but spiritually - perhaps because he has been talking to patients nearing their end of life. 

The good doctor recently said, "You are the happiest person I've ever met." But the small doctor said, "It's okay to feel sad... Don't keep running from your problems, face them okay?" As he continued "counselling" you, you felt uncontrollable tears. He made you cry 3 times in 3 days. LOL. The protective mechanism in people is to ask others to stop crying - it's human instinct to try to address the problem, and be uncomfortable when confronted with tears. However, his technique was different; he wasn't at all surprised when you cry... He was so calm and collected. He didn't attempt to address your problems, but was just offering you thoughts that haven't crossed your mind before.

Ever wonder why you can explore your fears and concerns with someone, but can't with another? You know, talking in-depth with someone is not a coincidence. The person could connect what you said to something within himself/herself, and feel for you and with you - that's empathy. He/She creates a safe space for you to explore further, a space for you to be vulnerable in. If you wish to change the person's perception towards something, then this will be the time to act. I don't know why... whenever I talk to him, it's like he knows exactly what to say, to make me reflect over and over again...

I am grateful that I went to Hong Kong - because my boss spent more time with me, to help me see what I don't see for the longest time. Since then, I have been reflecting and reflecting... on my life... Reflecting and reflecting... Felt a deeper bond with the small doctor after that - he felt like family, so I don't call him "doctor" anymore. He would depend on you for the most minor things, i.e, reminder for every week's meeting (same time, same venue), reminder for staff's birthdays, buy things, vet his writings, etc. You would roll your eyes but would help him anyway.

I was often told that I was too soft and do not possess the qualities of a manager. Now, I think these people are terribly wrong. You have to be so nice that your staff is willing to help you in whatever ways you want them to. You have to treat your staff LIKE YOUR FAMILY, always caring and always listening to them with your heart. 

#ilovemybosses

Xavier

It's quite fulfilling when you could talk about your voluntary work in your workplace and even relate what you preached in your voluntary work to your workplace work.

Even though I play the research role in the team, my work did not just encompass research, but operations, and any other miscellaneous things that the good doctor's friends need help in. That day, I was minding my own business; practically on fire finishing up my 101 things that was supposed to be completed the previous week, furiously replying emails, and making a list of to-do the following day in my head, when my colleague's boss (from another programme) approached me to write an article for Hospice Link, a newsletter who is published and disseminated to the rest of the department once in 2 months.

Oh well... Life is full of surprises and this is just a small one. Have you heard of advance care planning? Briefly described, it is an ongoing documented discussion between you, your family, and the healthcare providers on your future care preferences. In the event when you become mentally incapacitated and/or lose the ability to communicate your thoughts to others, the medical team and your family members could refer to your advance care plan as a guide to make certain healthcare decisions based on your preferences. 

Take for example: in my advance care plan discussion, I told the healthcare provider that I do not wish to be resuscitated or be subjected to any life-prolonging treatment(s) in the event when I become decisionally incapacitated. Hence at the time of crisis (and my condition is irreversible), the medical team would follow my wishes of not resuscitating me and let me die peacefully.

Xavier – A symbol of bravery and willpower

By Toh Hui Jin

KTPH Palliative Care Service

"The rescue of Xavier is just one of the estimated 200 rescues that Save Our Street Dogs (SOSD) Singapore undertakes on a yearly basis. To us, the volunteers, every rescue is precious and unique. Every rescue leaves behind a story, but not quite like Xavier’s. Xavier’s legacy is one that is infused with an awe-inspiring bravery – a story intricately woven by sheer resilience and willpower.

Xavier and his sister Xenia were merely one-month old puppies when they were found abandoned in a rubbish dump in May 2014. They were left stranded by negligent breeders who deemed them as surplus additions after a failed breeding exercise.

Just as we were on the verge of giving Xavier a new lease of life by sending him to a foster home, tragedy struck as he was diagnosed with canine distemper – an incurable viral illness common amongst domestic dogs that attacks their gastrointestinal and respiratory tracks.

Despite his predicament, Xavier was a calm and shy boy. He would spend his days sitting by his fosterer’s side, very much contented to receive the warmth and love of a family he never had. However, this was a short-lived happiness, for his health started to decline. He was unable to lie down without feeling pain. In addition, he had difficulty breathing and he suffered from occasional seizures.

Day after day, we would contemplate with the idea of ending his misery by putting him down, as the thought of seeing him go through so much discomfort was unbearable. There were numerous questions that continued to jab at our conscience. How could we bring ourselves to end a life so precious and young, a life, which had not yet experienced the beauty of this world? Naturally, guilt and irony sank in. As volunteers, we always give it our all to rescue dogs that lie on the brink of being euthanized, but now we ourselves were being placed in an unfavorable dilemma. There were even instances where we wished we could transcend the communication barrier and speak with Xavier so that we would be able to act according to his interests and fulfill his heart’s desires.

We placed him in a hospice environment that was fabricated out of his fosterer’s house, as we wanted him to be cared for as close to home as possible. In Xavier, we saw a burning desire to live fueled by a hope that he was tenaciously holding onto, something so dear to his heart that he could not let it slip by. However, with time, the liveliness in his eyes started to drift away. He started responding to us lesser and his food intake became meager.

Although most of us were rooting for his recovery, we knew in our hearts that we were slowly losing him. The idea of engaging an animal communicator struck us as we did not wish to miss out on what Xavier wished to tell us before he breathed his last. Through the animal communicator, Xavier expressed his last wish, which was to find a home he could finally call his own. He said it had been a pity that he had been unwanted since he was born, and he truly hoped that he could belong to a family that would love and accept him for who he was. Towards the last stages of his life, his fosterer brought him to a park, and in the presence of a volunteer, she signed the adoption papers and made Xavier a family member officially. Not long after that, Xavier slipped away from us, slowly and peacefully. 

A vet nurse and a compassionate group of volunteers formed the bulk of the team, which administered the in-residence hospice care for Xavier. They offered a 24-hour care support system in providing pain and symptoms management. Xavier was tirelessly cared for till the very moment he passed on. Realizing his impending fate, preparing for a peaceful and painless sending off for him became our topmost priority. Xavier had shared with us his deepest desires and we were glad that we were able to fulfill his wishes and provide for him till the very end."

When it was published, my colleague who went around distributing this newsletter to the department dogeared this article, and I think it created some awareness about adopting homeless dogs! Other than the small doctor wanting to volunteer, the good doctor's friend took his kids to one of our adoption drives. They patted Ratchy and thank god, he likes them, or my appraisal will be a goner. Hahaha!