i was told by my classmates in my Spanish class that this girl and i look alike. i didnt realise it till more and more of them came to tell me that. She also said her frens said so too.







i remembered miao told me that there will be 7 people who look very similar to u in this universe. hahas. i found one! And she is a Singaporean too.




.. i missed the old me.





Joanne said i'm like a sunflower. Positive and happie all the time!










Carine and i were still doing our tutorials and lab reports on the day we have to hand them in. She was telling me how stressed she was.








i replied, "Ya lo ya lo, so many things to do, so little time. HAHAHA"
Carine was kind of angry.. "Wow, u still can laugh about it ahs!"




When Bi Er heard that, she was like, "Dont care her, she always very happy-go-lucky 1 la."







I didnt know my frens' impressions of me is that i look at the bright side of things all the time until lately they told me about it.







Thanks girls! yeah man. i'm going to be someone who smiles even when my life turns upside down. Anyway the mess is going to be awhile only.

I hit my 300th post today!








Finally got my driving license mailed to my house. I looked at it for the whole night. hahas. The harder the process u get the things u wanted, the more u will treasure it. :)








i dated my younger bro to watch "Ah Long Pte Ltd" with me. So if u see me with a Malay boy tml in town, pls dont be mistaken. He is not my bf, he is my bro. hahas.











It's term break this week. Got to treasure this week's break. Going to slack like crazy before the exam war starts! Somemore i need some time to think...












Ending a relationship hastily and then starting another one abruptly isn't a good idea. i knew it but yet i still trust that i could try. I was so wrong.








I thought that he came at the right time.







i remembered telling Ling and Tuck Wei during xmas eve that it is going to end soon. That i cant take it anymore. Mths ago, i have already given up so much hope.










Then he came. i told him that all my misery has ended because of him.











But i forgot that i'm a Taurus. I dont fall in love easily.
i was so naive. i thought that i liked him.








I pretended to be happy when i was with him. i knew i was such a lousy actress. A genuine smile still differs from a fake smile. My expressions always give me away.








To repay someone who likes u is not to be with him and then try to be nice to him. Then felt uneasy all the time.







i thought that he magically make me grow affection for him in just few weeks. I thought that he let me master all the courage i have got to initiate the break up.







But i only like him for what is he, not who is he.






I like his sincerity.
I like his 'GAP' tee and his Top Man Jeans.
I like his Brazilian slippers.
I like his shoes.
I like his smile after i smiled to him.
I like the way he sit on his bike.
I like his voice.
I like his good memory.
I like him directing his attention to me when i speaks.
I like how gentlemanly he is.
i think his eyes are beautiful.
He is attractive. Very attractive i shld say. Okie okie, at least to me. hahas.








But i dont feel so comfortable with him. Thoughts of the past kept coming back. Striking me again and again. He loved to sit at the last row of the cinema theatre, the right corner.







Images of the past have to disrupt my thoughts. Wei Der liked so much to sit in the center of the theatre. He said that we can enjoy the movie to the fullest this way.









i would be thinking alot. Why am i with such a stranger?












All i know about him is that he is 22, has 2 younger bros, lives in Bukit Panjang, a regular in NS (he signed on for 10 yrs) and that he loves his bike very much. And nothing else.








Yes, he has the strengths that Wei Der dont have.






He communicates with me all the time. And i really mean all the time. He could just sit with me in some place and talks to me for a few hours. He calls me in wee hours at night when i couldn't sleep.







We were usually so quiet. i didnt know wat to say to him. i just cant be myself.








While Wei Der is tired all the time, he is awake all the time.



Wei Der and i have been lack of communication. Whenever i tried to talk to him, he will just fall asleep. i had to wake him up and when he does, he will tell me to leave everything to the next day.

But he is so different. He listens and he remembers.








While i hope for Wei Der to be more attentive and possessive, he doesn't need me to tell him. He is already a possessive guy.











I also hope that Wei Der can be less demanding of me, can dont try to change me and dont lose his temper when i dont listen to him. He said i can stay the way i am, and that he prefers me this way.








And i was really glad because he eats Long John Silver with me. Wei Der would be very angry if i eat fast food.








i'm a idiot.
He was just filling in that emptiness in my heart. Only then i felt more empty.
He was just helping Wei Der to make up to me. He is just doing something Wei Der cant do for me.
i've hurt him.





i'm 21 and yet i think like a 15 year old.










When i haven let go of the past fully, how can i try to accept the future?







He told me to know him better first. Only when i feel less awkward and more comfortable then i can be with him. He knew i was faking it. Faking my happiness. He knows i haven forget the past. A relationship needs time to build. He said that's only fair to him.






i'm so sorry.
i made a mistake.
i was too impulsive and immature.

I am crying again. So many emotions are all over me.
I thought i am strong. I am so wrong.
OUCHS* My heart is feeling achy again.










How can i be so heartless?
How can i be so cruel to him?













Pls.. Move on.. Stop making yourself so miserable. U are making me upset. U are able to pull through. U are able to live without me. U have to stand up on your feet soon. Stop feeling suicuidal. Stop making people who cares for u worried.














Drinking and smoking wont make your life better.
Let me go.
Let go of the past.
Forget me.
Please.

It's almost a week after the break up.
The sky has become grey, not blue anymore.








I'm learning to cope with it.
I am trying to move on. i still cry in the mornings on my walk to class. But time has lessen the pain in my heart.







My heart is more peaceful now. I'm glad that i see joanne and ting in the hostel everyday. The sight of them cheers me up and kept my mind off unpleasant things








Finally...
No more sleepless torturing nights
No more quarrels
No more fear
No more difficulties in breathing
No more heartaches
No more trying hard
No more forcing myself against my will









Only when i let go of the past, then i can grab hold of the future. I will move on and i hope u will. U have to pick yourself up and live on with your life. Drowning yourself in sorrows wont help u get better. Like what u have said, time is the best medicine to heal our hurt.







i can't give u one last chance anymore. i have given u too many. i have given in so much that i am not myself anymore. i told u to love me for who i am then, not who i am in the future.






i will always keep u and our memories in the depth of my heart.









It hurts me to see him so hurt. But my heart has hardened. i will never turn back.








i am greedy. i need someone who loves me more than i love myself. Not someone who loves me as much as i love him.

Falling in love is easy, falling out of love is hard.
This is the 1st time i can feel my heart in pain. Sharp pain. That kind of suffocating pain. i thought i could die from difficulty of breathing. i lost my appetite and lost weight. I lost sleep too.











Take 10 knifes and stab directly into my heart, it doesnt hurt as much as the emotional pain.
My poor heart is already weak from young, now other than it has to pump blood to the rest of my body, it also has to experience the tension and stress constrainting it. It doesn't relax as much as it contracts anymore.











Tears fall day by day. I dunno when they will stop rolling down my face. Thoughts followed me all the time. i thought my mind is going to explode.













i have mastered the art of quickly hiding up my tears in my eyes. i couldn't concentrate in lectures, my ears are blocked and my eyes are red. Whenever Bi Er called me, i will be "Huh?! Can u repeat what u just said?"












He was once the angel of my life, once my protector and once the reason for my existence in life.
How can i ever forget? The pain i've inflicted in him i will never be able to feel it. All i know is alot and alot and alot..











I go into a relationship not to break up in the end. I go into a relationship because i want to live with him forever.



















I am sorry.. Our problems will neber be solved. I have faith in u for many years. But each time the disappointment is too much for me to bear. I know i i'm too selfish to only think of my own feelings and not yours. I am very sorry. We can never be like before anymore. When the bonding is weak, u allow intruders.

I dont need u to drive a car, own a big house and give me money in the future. All i need is u, your attention and your care.

i will be strong. i wont commit suicide or self abuse. I owe God, Mum and Dad my life. Don worry girls. I will live through the heart break, whether it takes 1 year, 2 years or many many years.

Things are falling apart.
i cant believe that everything happens so fast.








Am i thinking too much?
Have i found the best one?
If i have, why am i so insecure?










Should a woman be contented with what she has or should she fight for more?
Why..? i cant believe myself. i dunno myself anymore. Why have i become like this?
i'm an idiot.








i'm 21. i've changed. i used to think naive. Now i'm getting so complex. i dunno wat i'm doing. i've been running away, refusing to face myself.

Give me 2 weeks, i will come up with a decision.

What shall i do?
What shall i do?


I dunno. Really dunno.