A pinhole of my life.

I hit my 300th post today!








Finally got my driving license mailed to my house. I looked at it for the whole night. hahas. The harder the process u get the things u wanted, the more u will treasure it. :)








i dated my younger bro to watch "Ah Long Pte Ltd" with me. So if u see me with a Malay boy tml in town, pls dont be mistaken. He is not my bf, he is my bro. hahas.











It's term break this week. Got to treasure this week's break. Going to slack like crazy before the exam war starts! Somemore i need some time to think...












Ending a relationship hastily and then starting another one abruptly isn't a good idea. i knew it but yet i still trust that i could try. I was so wrong.








I thought that he came at the right time.







i remembered telling Ling and Tuck Wei during xmas eve that it is going to end soon. That i cant take it anymore. Mths ago, i have already given up so much hope.










Then he came. i told him that all my misery has ended because of him.











But i forgot that i'm a Taurus. I dont fall in love easily.
i was so naive. i thought that i liked him.








I pretended to be happy when i was with him. i knew i was such a lousy actress. A genuine smile still differs from a fake smile. My expressions always give me away.








To repay someone who likes u is not to be with him and then try to be nice to him. Then felt uneasy all the time.







i thought that he magically make me grow affection for him in just few weeks. I thought that he let me master all the courage i have got to initiate the break up.







But i only like him for what is he, not who is he.






I like his sincerity.
I like his 'GAP' tee and his Top Man Jeans.
I like his Brazilian slippers.
I like his shoes.
I like his smile after i smiled to him.
I like the way he sit on his bike.
I like his voice.
I like his good memory.
I like him directing his attention to me when i speaks.
I like how gentlemanly he is.
i think his eyes are beautiful.
He is attractive. Very attractive i shld say. Okie okie, at least to me. hahas.








But i dont feel so comfortable with him. Thoughts of the past kept coming back. Striking me again and again. He loved to sit at the last row of the cinema theatre, the right corner.







Images of the past have to disrupt my thoughts. Wei Der liked so much to sit in the center of the theatre. He said that we can enjoy the movie to the fullest this way.









i would be thinking alot. Why am i with such a stranger?












All i know about him is that he is 22, has 2 younger bros, lives in Bukit Panjang, a regular in NS (he signed on for 10 yrs) and that he loves his bike very much. And nothing else.








Yes, he has the strengths that Wei Der dont have.






He communicates with me all the time. And i really mean all the time. He could just sit with me in some place and talks to me for a few hours. He calls me in wee hours at night when i couldn't sleep.







We were usually so quiet. i didnt know wat to say to him. i just cant be myself.








While Wei Der is tired all the time, he is awake all the time.



Wei Der and i have been lack of communication. Whenever i tried to talk to him, he will just fall asleep. i had to wake him up and when he does, he will tell me to leave everything to the next day.

But he is so different. He listens and he remembers.








While i hope for Wei Der to be more attentive and possessive, he doesn't need me to tell him. He is already a possessive guy.











I also hope that Wei Der can be less demanding of me, can dont try to change me and dont lose his temper when i dont listen to him. He said i can stay the way i am, and that he prefers me this way.








And i was really glad because he eats Long John Silver with me. Wei Der would be very angry if i eat fast food.








i'm a idiot.
He was just filling in that emptiness in my heart. Only then i felt more empty.
He was just helping Wei Der to make up to me. He is just doing something Wei Der cant do for me.
i've hurt him.





i'm 21 and yet i think like a 15 year old.










When i haven let go of the past fully, how can i try to accept the future?







He told me to know him better first. Only when i feel less awkward and more comfortable then i can be with him. He knew i was faking it. Faking my happiness. He knows i haven forget the past. A relationship needs time to build. He said that's only fair to him.






i'm so sorry.
i made a mistake.
i was too impulsive and immature.