Transcendence

It's yet another birthday of mine, but this time it marks the end of my 20s. Haha. As I step into the big 30, I feel old (haha) but at the same time, never felt more alive, positive and grateful. 

Perhaps, due to my nature of my work, since the last few months, I realized how important it is to build relationships - it comes intuitively to some people, but it doesn't for me. Just the thought of striking a conversation with someone new and trying to be close to someone hurts. I'm just plain lazy sometimes. 

But then, I began to realize that the heart of every relationship lies in the conversation. The way you say things and how you say and phrase them is so important; as for every action there's a reaction. Your words can affect people, they can make people feel happy and comforted or if you aren't careful, they can make people's feelings go the other direction. Be genuine in the conversation, also, because people aren't stupid, they can sense your hypocrisy from afar. 

What really hit me hard was the realization that I am not the only one dwelling in my own misery, getting lost in it and not getting out of it... Wow, how self-absorbed I am. It's crazy how a lot of people struggled with self esteem and confidence. I did that - the experience wasn't something pleasant and I never want to go back there again.

I learnt that letting go is the key to happiness. I know this have been mentioned so many times in self-improvement books, in Facebook/Instagram, or as a quote by someone famous, but I think I never did fully understand its meaning. I guess it's because I didn't let go... The fact that I didn't know how to and I feel that it's impossible to, I didn't try, not a single bit of it. 

When I stop being so focused on myself and being so self-absorbed, I learn to focus on others. Then... Nothing really matters anymore, doesn't it? Whether you go out with makeup on and your hair neat or not... Whether you have to present work to others and receive plenty of criticism or not... Whether you feel guilty over not being a good enough wife or not... These are just expectations you set for yourself, and once you don't fulfill them, there's suffering (reality - expectations = suffering) and you should never allow suffering to get to you. There's really no need for such expectations to stress you - nothing matters that much.

When I finally understood this, it was pretty much a relief - took me 29 years but it seems so worth it, because I finally know any problem, no matter how big it is, don't engulf me and I feel big enough to handle it. 

When you no longer feel that whirlwind of emotions triggered by others, you may have just achieved transcendence. Somehow I think I'm taking steps towards this form, this form of serenity and peace - I really want to be that emotionally stable, nurturing person.

I don't know about anyone else but I have always felt in me the relentless pursuit of happiness. I've never really gotten that kind of happiness I long for, or sought after. I mean, there's plenty of positivism in me - the burning desire to do something and I always know it will turn out well or if it is bad at current state, it can only improve. I don't know but I feel maybe I was never truly happy and hence I need to keep searching the happiness I imagined. Maybe this form of happiness was just too far-fetched or it doesn't exist, I don't know.

And then, I started to feel that peace is my form of happiness and is the root of how happiness can begin for me. Achieving transcendence and letting go of everything that have hurt could lead to peace.

From a chat with an SOSD friend, I became conscientiously aware that people are complex and they are engineered genetically to be complex. How they act and react to things stem from their upbringing, their beliefs, and the principles held close to them or in other words, their story (how they perceive the world to be). All the actions or people who did the actions that seem odd to you, aren't actually odd at all. They are just different from your lens (your perception of the world). What you perceived as reality may not be the truth. I learnt that your interpretation of the truth may be just partial, and not the whole truth. Hence, remember that - your assumption of an event that happened is not the truth, and you shouldn't take it as the truth.

What is the main principle that you hold close to? 

The single main value that I live by everyday is to be grateful. I don't expect anyone to do anything for me, and if they do, I am truly grateful. That's why I say thank you a lot. That's why I genuinely appreciate people's effort to do something. There's suffering when there's a set of expectations and you are unable to fulfill them. I don't know when was it when I started to not have any expectations for others. Maybe that's why dogs are so therapeutic to me - their immense gratefulness has given me a lot of indescribable, intense joy. 

All the issues I have with myself are just experiences that make me grow... and make me into this person I'm now.

For myself to change, I need a perception change. Most of all, I learnt that in order to start to change, I need a declaration. I need to declare (with conviction) that there's something not right in my life and I need to commit to making it right.

Let's start with my struggles with work:

From this day forward, I change my story (my whole perception of what life is about). 

I change my story from "I can do everything and anything without help." to "I need help. No one is an island. No one can do everything at a time and do it well. Let me focus on one thing at a time and do it well."