Perfection.

In our quest to be perfect, we suffer. As we move towards perfection, the finishing line keeps moving away from us and we can never reach our destination. This is something I finally realized and came to terms recently. 

I should never aim for perfection, and postpone my happiness to later, or I will never be truly happy.

Be happy in the moment.

Vulnerability

"To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength."

I guess, the strongest person is not afraid to be vulnerable in front of others... I am still weak, I guess...

A Happy Wife

"A happy worker is a happy wife." - the good doctor.
He said it's never the other way round. He is willing to cut down my workload, pay for my Masters and let me work from home.

Ah well, I was holding back tears when the good doctor talked to me last week :(((( . I was so afraid of scaring him so I held back the tears. It was so hard. :(
Should I stay or leave the workplace? 

I said, I don't want to live this life this way. I have the ability to change things. I have the ability to change my situation. I am not sure if I will regret leaving this job, but I know, for this moment, everything else is more important than work, and I know if I don't try to change things, they stay the same forever, and I will work like hell for the next 30 years.

I don't want to be buried in work nor do well at work while everything else fails. I don't want to be a failed daughter, a failed friend and a failed wife.

I can literally picture myself in 30 years' time. Divorced, no kids, all alone, and parents still worrying for me. 

I have a week to think: Should I still continue to have faith in boss and pray that he doesn't give me tons of work? ;(

Overoptimism

Some people choose to see the ugliness of this world... I choose to see the beauty.
Some people say... Overoptimism will kill me. Haha. I choose, now, to be a realist, not just an optimist.

"A permissist complains about the wind;
An optimist expects it to change;
A realist adjusts his sails."

Sometimes I admit that being optimistic isn't going to change things... To make my own life history is really up to me. If I have tried over and over again, and every month for the past 3 years, I told myself, "Yes, next month it will be better... Next month..." And it never did.

It's tiring... I decided that I am the decider of my own life. It's time to move on. Find something that treats you more humanely... that you have time for your husband and family.. It's sad that you miss your husband even though he's in the same house as you.

Appreciate the people who have saved your lives.

This story was cited in our meeting last week: 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/darren-hardy/whos-packing-your-parachu_b_6038568.html

Be appreciative to the people who work behind the scenes!

Compassion hurts.

Self-Compassion

It's all too easy to go all hard on yourself, but please don't be. Learn to be imperfectly prefect.

The art of self-compassion:

http://ed.ted.com/featured/pDulIc5E

Life is a marathon, not a sprint.

Something I need to learn: Take work slow - work is a marathon, not a sprint. Don't miss out the things you aren't intended to miss, because of work.

https://quizlet.com/145105471/the-career-advice-i-wish-i-had-at-25-flash-cards/

Strengths Test - My Top 5 Strengths

Have you heard of Gallup's Clifton Strengthfinders test?

"Based on a 40-year study of human strengths, Gallup created a language of the 34 most common talents and developed the Clifton StrengthsFinder assessment to help people discover and describe these talents.

Gallup research proves that people succeed when they focus on what they do best. When they identify their talents and develop them into strengths, people are more productive, perform better, and are more engaged.

Gallup's Clifton StrengthsFinder assessment is the first step in helping people identify their talents. Clifton StrengthsFinder results give people a way to discuss and develop their unique combination of skills, talents, and knowledge -- also known as strengths."

As part of the main committee in Rehoming, I attended a workshop on Strengths due to influence (pressure) from ahem management. The background of this workshop is to allow the team to uncover own strengths and better comprehend one another's strengths, and with that, try to better work together. The team can also harness each other's strengths by perhaps allowing a certain member take on a role that he/she is good at.

To be brutally honest, volunteer work is tough, and this comes as a surprise for me. You have to work with people from various backgrounds, and this heterogeneity can drive you quite crazy. Imagine working with 7 people of all different ages, different professions, and their train of thoughts somewhat different from yours - haha; what they find logical is totally off tangent to you. In your eyes, they are quite crazy. Just when you think volunteers are kind people, you are right but not quite - they are kind people with anger issues sometimes haha.

Before attending the workshop, we had to take a survey that consists of 166 questions and each question is on a likert scale.;) The survey costs USD $15 and I totally feel it's money worth spending on, because I got to understand why I do the things I do!

Here are my top 5 strengths:

1. Connectedness

2. Responsibility 

3. Individualization

4. Achiever

5. Arranger

Here is a short description of all of my talents:

1. Connectedness 

Things happen for a reason. Those with strong Connectedness talents are sure of it. They have a powerful conviction that everyone is connected. While each person is responsible for his or her own judgments and actions, those with strong Connectedness believe everyone is part of something larger. This belief implies certain responsibilities. Their awareness of these responsibilities creates their value system. They are considerate, caring, and accepting. Certain of the unity of humankind, they build bridges for people of different cultures. They give others comfort that there is a purpose beyond everyday existence. Their faith is strong. It sustains them and their close friends in the face of life’s mysteries. 

2. Responsibility  

People with strong Responsibility talents take psychological ownership for anything they commit to, whether it is large or small, and they feel emotionally bound to follow it through to completion. They keep their promises and honor their commitments. They don’t let people down, and they work very hard to fulfill all of their responsibilities and keep their word. Their conscientiousness, their drive for doing things right, and their impeccable ethics combine to create the reputation of being utterly dependable.

3. Individualization  

People with strong Individualization talents are intrigued by and have an understanding of the unique qualities of each person. Impatient with generalizations, they focus on the differences among individuals. They instinctively observe each person’s style and motivation, how each thinks, and how each builds relationships. They keenly observe other people’s strengths and draw out the best
in each person. Their Individualization talents help them to build productive teams. While some search around for the perfect team “structure” or “process,” they know instinctively that the secret to great teams is casting by individual strengths so that everyone can do a lot of what they do well.

4. Achiever 

Achievers have a constant need for attainment. They have an internal fire burning inside them. It pushes them to do more, to achieve more. People with strong Achiever talents feel as if every day starts at zero. By the end of the day they must accomplish something meaningful to feel good about themselves. And “every day” means every single day — workdays, weekends, holidays, and even vacations. If the day passes without some form of achievement, no matter how small, Achievers feel dissatisfied. Upon finishing a challenging project, they rarely seek to be rewarded with a rest or an easy assignment. While they appreciate recognition for past achievements, their motivation lies in striving toward the next goal on the horizon.

5. Arranger
Arrangers are conductors. When faced with a complex situation involving many factors, people with strong Arranger talents enjoy managing all of the variables, aligning and realigning them until they are sure they have arranged them in the most productive configuration possible. They are shining examples of effective flexibility, whether they are changing travel schedules at the last minute because they found a better fare or are mulling over just the right combination of people and resources to accomplish a new project. From the mundane to the complex, they are always looking for the perfect configuration. They are at their best in dynamic situations. Confronted with the unexpected, they jump into the confusion, devise new options, hunt for new paths, and figure out new partnerships — because, after all, there might just be a better way.

Do you think these are me? I really have to agree with these!

Transcendence

It's yet another birthday of mine, but this time it marks the end of my 20s. Haha. As I step into the big 30, I feel old (haha) but at the same time, never felt more alive, positive and grateful. 

Perhaps, due to my nature of my work, since the last few months, I realized how important it is to build relationships - it comes intuitively to some people, but it doesn't for me. Just the thought of striking a conversation with someone new and trying to be close to someone hurts. I'm just plain lazy sometimes. 

But then, I began to realize that the heart of every relationship lies in the conversation. The way you say things and how you say and phrase them is so important; as for every action there's a reaction. Your words can affect people, they can make people feel happy and comforted or if you aren't careful, they can make people's feelings go the other direction. Be genuine in the conversation, also, because people aren't stupid, they can sense your hypocrisy from afar. 

What really hit me hard was the realization that I am not the only one dwelling in my own misery, getting lost in it and not getting out of it... Wow, how self-absorbed I am. It's crazy how a lot of people struggled with self esteem and confidence. I did that - the experience wasn't something pleasant and I never want to go back there again.

I learnt that letting go is the key to happiness. I know this have been mentioned so many times in self-improvement books, in Facebook/Instagram, or as a quote by someone famous, but I think I never did fully understand its meaning. I guess it's because I didn't let go... The fact that I didn't know how to and I feel that it's impossible to, I didn't try, not a single bit of it. 

When I stop being so focused on myself and being so self-absorbed, I learn to focus on others. Then... Nothing really matters anymore, doesn't it? Whether you go out with makeup on and your hair neat or not... Whether you have to present work to others and receive plenty of criticism or not... Whether you feel guilty over not being a good enough wife or not... These are just expectations you set for yourself, and once you don't fulfill them, there's suffering (reality - expectations = suffering) and you should never allow suffering to get to you. There's really no need for such expectations to stress you - nothing matters that much.

When I finally understood this, it was pretty much a relief - took me 29 years but it seems so worth it, because I finally know any problem, no matter how big it is, don't engulf me and I feel big enough to handle it. 

When you no longer feel that whirlwind of emotions triggered by others, you may have just achieved transcendence. Somehow I think I'm taking steps towards this form, this form of serenity and peace - I really want to be that emotionally stable, nurturing person.

I don't know about anyone else but I have always felt in me the relentless pursuit of happiness. I've never really gotten that kind of happiness I long for, or sought after. I mean, there's plenty of positivism in me - the burning desire to do something and I always know it will turn out well or if it is bad at current state, it can only improve. I don't know but I feel maybe I was never truly happy and hence I need to keep searching the happiness I imagined. Maybe this form of happiness was just too far-fetched or it doesn't exist, I don't know.

And then, I started to feel that peace is my form of happiness and is the root of how happiness can begin for me. Achieving transcendence and letting go of everything that have hurt could lead to peace.

From a chat with an SOSD friend, I became conscientiously aware that people are complex and they are engineered genetically to be complex. How they act and react to things stem from their upbringing, their beliefs, and the principles held close to them or in other words, their story (how they perceive the world to be). All the actions or people who did the actions that seem odd to you, aren't actually odd at all. They are just different from your lens (your perception of the world). What you perceived as reality may not be the truth. I learnt that your interpretation of the truth may be just partial, and not the whole truth. Hence, remember that - your assumption of an event that happened is not the truth, and you shouldn't take it as the truth.

What is the main principle that you hold close to? 

The single main value that I live by everyday is to be grateful. I don't expect anyone to do anything for me, and if they do, I am truly grateful. That's why I say thank you a lot. That's why I genuinely appreciate people's effort to do something. There's suffering when there's a set of expectations and you are unable to fulfill them. I don't know when was it when I started to not have any expectations for others. Maybe that's why dogs are so therapeutic to me - their immense gratefulness has given me a lot of indescribable, intense joy. 

All the issues I have with myself are just experiences that make me grow... and make me into this person I'm now.

For myself to change, I need a perception change. Most of all, I learnt that in order to start to change, I need a declaration. I need to declare (with conviction) that there's something not right in my life and I need to commit to making it right.

Let's start with my struggles with work:

From this day forward, I change my story (my whole perception of what life is about). 

I change my story from "I can do everything and anything without help." to "I need help. No one is an island. No one can do everything at a time and do it well. Let me focus on one thing at a time and do it well."

Brownie, the therapy.

Brownie, ever so therapeutic to the soul.

They say, dogs no matter how old they are, they are stuck at a kid's age - true that! Brownie, like many other dogs, is so afraid of being lonely - she would scratch the door of the study room until I called her name. There was only dead silence for the next 30 minutes, so I went to investigate if she was up to any mischief. Before I could fully open the door, she dashed right into the room - she was all along patiently waiting right outside the room!

Love life, and it will love you back.

Something I saw, which I thought is worth sharing and serve as a reminder for us:

Love life and it will love you back.

http://elitedaily.com/life/questions-to-tell-if-youre-happy/1343578/

The transfer.

As some of you may know, Yishun Community Hospital has been set up right next to us, and a research institute (Geriatric Education Research Institute, GERI) was established by MOH with the aim of incorporating more studies on geriatrics and geriatrics-related training. 

It was March school holidays and the good doctor went on leave to accompany his kids. Before he went on leave, he asked me to meet the deputy of GERI to discuss with him what studies that we currently have and whether some of these studies can be transferred over to be part of GERI research.

However, the agenda of the meeting turned out to be something different - it turned out to be like an interview. The deputy began the conversation with "What is your background?" and as it went on, I sensed something was really wrong. He asked me if I want to transfer to GERI and I was kind of taken aback by it. I asked, "Could it be a mistake, because Dr. J (the good doctor) didn't inform me?"

And he said no, and went on to tell me the benefits of joining GERI - "the better career, the more proper training, working with people with more experience in research, and Dr. J is a doctor; he doesn't know much about research and he's not experienced, etc."

Whatever he said then became fader and fader; all I cared about was ... the thought of leaving the good doctor. The thought of leaving someone so nice, so inspiring, so genuine, hurt me. I asked when I finally got the chance to speak, "Will I still be working with Dr. J?" After rolling his eyes a little, his reply was, "Move is natural. I can't guarantee that you always work with the same doctor. In GERI, you work with different doctors, and you learn a lot more by working with a variety of people..."

Oh well, I went out of the meeting feeling so lost and confused. I hate to be transferred and follow a new leader. I hate to leave the good doctor. The good doctor changed my life (not exaggerating). He told me that life is all about building relationships. Everything in life, the way to work with our "clients" (basically anyone) should be based on trust and relationship. I've never seen someone so intelligent but so patient, so accepting, so grateful, and so calm.

Who else would spend 3 hours explaining to his staff about something and even drew a diagram of the human body system?

All I've experienced so far at any workplace before meeting the good doctor has not been good. There are a lot of finger pointing, quarrels, and discrimination etc. it's scary to survive day to day in that form of environment.

I asked the small doctor if he knew about this and he said no. He came out of his workshop halfway to talk to me in person. His words were so gentle and so kind, "I'm sorry that you have to experience this news early in the morning. I'm glad that you still chose us over what's called a better opportunity. I'm quite certain that Dr. J won't transfer you without asking for your permission. You know, we just want the best for you. If by the end of the day, if it's your wish to do the transfer, we make sure that we do a proper one for you. Of course, we will be happier if you stay with us. And ya, of course you still have your 3rd option: to open a pet grooming shop and as promised, I'll be your investor and support you for that." I teared (again) because I was so moved by his words. 

Dr. L, the small doctor, said he loves to help people and helping people is his main goal in his life: he can set a KPI for the amount of people he wants to help / helped.

When the good doctor came back the following week, I texted him, and he called and said it was not his intention to transfer me. It could be a wrong impression formed by the deputy.

I said "I thought it was a decision made between both of you." He said, "What? If really that was the case, I would have asked you. I wouldn't do such a thing without asking you and respecting you..." :')

How can I ever leave, the doctors who really care - people who are truly worthy to be called the true healers of our society? They changed my life; and how I look at things - mostly it's to let go, and love people more, as much as I love dogs. Haha.

My challenges are small.

The social worker believes in observing how you behave and say, to deduce your story (how you always perceive life to be), and tries to change your story. It's quite an experience studying human emotions; I learnt that everybody struggles/struggled with one thing or another - it's really not just me. Seeing the struggles unfold right before my very eyes, I realized and felt deeply that they are so real and so genuine; they are almost tangible. Humans don't show these emotions often, and I'm glad I have a chance to see them, because if not, I thought it has always been me who is struggling with life. How much more self-centered can I be!

The doctor believes in changing the story that you are aware of - something you know you are struggling with right now, and not try to read the struggles that you didn't know you were grappling with, and then make you aware of it. The doctor believes in helping you with the struggles that are obvious to you.

To the doctor, the human mind is so complex that you can't just unlock locked, sad memories and attempt to lock them back with just the snap of the fingers. It's just doesn't work that way. "Don't attempt to open a can of worms, if you aren't confident to close it back." was their philosophy.

What do you think?

During my recent ward round attachment with the small doctor, a palliative care specialist, I saw a lady so charged with emotions; she's not ready to accept her mum's impending death. It was definitely a sight I could remember forever - a lady with anticipatory grief, and with occasional tears welling up in her eyes (and apologizing for her tears), say, "Do everything for my mum to keep her alive." 

Really, this gave me a different perspective to life.

Anger, annoyance, evil people etc - It all doesn't matter anymore, because challenges you faced/are facing are actually a trivial part of life. 

When you see someone like the small doctor who deals with death and grief on a daily basis and people who have difficulty coping with their loved ones' imminent death, what you are facing right now is so small that it isn't even worth mentioning.

Dress like a manager.

Take home message for the day:

"When you are an exec (executive), dress like a manager."

In the workplace, you are very gravely thankful that people who know you respect you. However, to the outside world, you are just a lass who knows nothing; it seems to them that you have nothing to impress them about, and nothing you say can make them not brush you away.

Now, the society is forcing you to be mature. Now that you are 30, you are not to talk like you were 20, but talk like you are 40. The thing is, what's naturally and awfully wrong with you is that you felt like you never change since you were 20; you felt like a school girl free of worries and always looking forward to each coming day. Well... I hope this is a good constant.

It's contradicting how people see you; a colleague in her 40s, who said, "You are the 2nd mature 29-year-old I've ever met." while the small doctor who is 35 and acts like 50, said you are so, so immature that he can't stand you sometimes. Eh... What???

What's your definition of maturity? To our managers, you can't just think mature or act mature; you have to dress and speak mature, so that people who don't know you will try not to treat you like a kid. It's the whole package.

I think maturity comes with experience. Some people have been through so much more than the others, whether personally or as an observer of others' lives, and these people mature faster.

Say goodbye to dresses with prints and dresses above knee level! 

Deep conversations aren't coincidences.

"It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to cry... Don't keep running and hide."

It's scary how a person can read you so well, how he/she can enter into your private space of thoughts, and feel how you have been feeling, within months of knowing you. What he/she did was a in-depth conversation that he/she can manipulate you into having with him/her, and in the midst of it, he/she offered you a distinction, which is an option that you have never thought of and is worth pursuing.

"You know, you aren't weak. You kept saying you feel weak, but you aren't, you know. In fact, I see that your lower legs are quite strong and they have been supporting you all these years. It's your mind that is crippling you."

"Go on, walk... Don't be afraid... I'm right behind you. Don't keep looking down. Nobody walks looking down. You should look in front and occasionally look down to observe for any obstruction or danger."

"You see, you walk and walk, and walk without falling. I am just your false sense of security."

Just when you thought the good doctor has the most immense patience and empathy out of all the people you've ever met, his favourite small doctor has the heart to heal people, not just medically, but spiritually - perhaps because he has been talking to patients nearing their end of life. 

The good doctor recently said, "You are the happiest person I've ever met." But the small doctor said, "It's okay to feel sad... Don't keep running from your problems, face them okay?" As he continued "counselling" you, you felt uncontrollable tears. He made you cry 3 times in 3 days. LOL. The protective mechanism in people is to ask others to stop crying - it's human instinct to try to address the problem, and be uncomfortable when confronted with tears. However, his technique was different; he wasn't at all surprised when you cry... He was so calm and collected. He didn't attempt to address your problems, but was just offering you thoughts that haven't crossed your mind before.

Ever wonder why you can explore your fears and concerns with someone, but can't with another? You know, talking in-depth with someone is not a coincidence. The person could connect what you said to something within himself/herself, and feel for you and with you - that's empathy. He/She creates a safe space for you to explore further, a space for you to be vulnerable in. If you wish to change the person's perception towards something, then this will be the time to act. I don't know why... whenever I talk to him, it's like he knows exactly what to say, to make me reflect over and over again...

I am grateful that I went to Hong Kong - because my boss spent more time with me, to help me see what I don't see for the longest time. Since then, I have been reflecting and reflecting... on my life... Reflecting and reflecting... Felt a deeper bond with the small doctor after that - he felt like family, so I don't call him "doctor" anymore. He would depend on you for the most minor things, i.e, reminder for every week's meeting (same time, same venue), reminder for staff's birthdays, buy things, vet his writings, etc. You would roll your eyes but would help him anyway.

I was often told that I was too soft and do not possess the qualities of a manager. Now, I think these people are terribly wrong. You have to be so nice that your staff is willing to help you in whatever ways you want them to. You have to treat your staff LIKE YOUR FAMILY, always caring and always listening to them with your heart. 

#ilovemybosses

Xavier

It's quite fulfilling when you could talk about your voluntary work in your workplace and even relate what you preached in your voluntary work to your workplace work.

Even though I play the research role in the team, my work did not just encompass research, but operations, and any other miscellaneous things that the good doctor's friends need help in. That day, I was minding my own business; practically on fire finishing up my 101 things that was supposed to be completed the previous week, furiously replying emails, and making a list of to-do the following day in my head, when my colleague's boss (from another programme) approached me to write an article for Hospice Link, a newsletter who is published and disseminated to the rest of the department once in 2 months.

Oh well... Life is full of surprises and this is just a small one. Have you heard of advance care planning? Briefly described, it is an ongoing documented discussion between you, your family, and the healthcare providers on your future care preferences. In the event when you become mentally incapacitated and/or lose the ability to communicate your thoughts to others, the medical team and your family members could refer to your advance care plan as a guide to make certain healthcare decisions based on your preferences. 

Take for example: in my advance care plan discussion, I told the healthcare provider that I do not wish to be resuscitated or be subjected to any life-prolonging treatment(s) in the event when I become decisionally incapacitated. Hence at the time of crisis (and my condition is irreversible), the medical team would follow my wishes of not resuscitating me and let me die peacefully.

Xavier – A symbol of bravery and willpower

By Toh Hui Jin

KTPH Palliative Care Service

"The rescue of Xavier is just one of the estimated 200 rescues that Save Our Street Dogs (SOSD) Singapore undertakes on a yearly basis. To us, the volunteers, every rescue is precious and unique. Every rescue leaves behind a story, but not quite like Xavier’s. Xavier’s legacy is one that is infused with an awe-inspiring bravery – a story intricately woven by sheer resilience and willpower.

Xavier and his sister Xenia were merely one-month old puppies when they were found abandoned in a rubbish dump in May 2014. They were left stranded by negligent breeders who deemed them as surplus additions after a failed breeding exercise.

Just as we were on the verge of giving Xavier a new lease of life by sending him to a foster home, tragedy struck as he was diagnosed with canine distemper – an incurable viral illness common amongst domestic dogs that attacks their gastrointestinal and respiratory tracks.

Despite his predicament, Xavier was a calm and shy boy. He would spend his days sitting by his fosterer’s side, very much contented to receive the warmth and love of a family he never had. However, this was a short-lived happiness, for his health started to decline. He was unable to lie down without feeling pain. In addition, he had difficulty breathing and he suffered from occasional seizures.

Day after day, we would contemplate with the idea of ending his misery by putting him down, as the thought of seeing him go through so much discomfort was unbearable. There were numerous questions that continued to jab at our conscience. How could we bring ourselves to end a life so precious and young, a life, which had not yet experienced the beauty of this world? Naturally, guilt and irony sank in. As volunteers, we always give it our all to rescue dogs that lie on the brink of being euthanized, but now we ourselves were being placed in an unfavorable dilemma. There were even instances where we wished we could transcend the communication barrier and speak with Xavier so that we would be able to act according to his interests and fulfill his heart’s desires.

We placed him in a hospice environment that was fabricated out of his fosterer’s house, as we wanted him to be cared for as close to home as possible. In Xavier, we saw a burning desire to live fueled by a hope that he was tenaciously holding onto, something so dear to his heart that he could not let it slip by. However, with time, the liveliness in his eyes started to drift away. He started responding to us lesser and his food intake became meager.

Although most of us were rooting for his recovery, we knew in our hearts that we were slowly losing him. The idea of engaging an animal communicator struck us as we did not wish to miss out on what Xavier wished to tell us before he breathed his last. Through the animal communicator, Xavier expressed his last wish, which was to find a home he could finally call his own. He said it had been a pity that he had been unwanted since he was born, and he truly hoped that he could belong to a family that would love and accept him for who he was. Towards the last stages of his life, his fosterer brought him to a park, and in the presence of a volunteer, she signed the adoption papers and made Xavier a family member officially. Not long after that, Xavier slipped away from us, slowly and peacefully. 

A vet nurse and a compassionate group of volunteers formed the bulk of the team, which administered the in-residence hospice care for Xavier. They offered a 24-hour care support system in providing pain and symptoms management. Xavier was tirelessly cared for till the very moment he passed on. Realizing his impending fate, preparing for a peaceful and painless sending off for him became our topmost priority. Xavier had shared with us his deepest desires and we were glad that we were able to fulfill his wishes and provide for him till the very end."

When it was published, my colleague who went around distributing this newsletter to the department dogeared this article, and I think it created some awareness about adopting homeless dogs! Other than the small doctor wanting to volunteer, the good doctor's friend took his kids to one of our adoption drives. They patted Ratchy and thank god, he likes them, or my appraisal will be a goner. Hahaha!

The struggle against own will.

A colleague of mine noticed a deterioration in my knee, which partly was because of Ratchy, as when he gets excited, he bumped onto me on purpose and my knee gets abit of subluxation. Sigh. 

She began to scold me numerous times for not going for physiotherapy and follow-ups. Then one day she said in an annoyed, loud tone, "OH WHAT IF YOU REMAIN LIKE THIS FOREVER?"

I got upset. You know, people who never had the same problem as mine will never ever understand how I feel. 

I have a nagging problem and I don't need more people to remind me. That week, I packed lunch back to the office to eat. If you are unwilling to walk at my pace to go for lunch, I can eat on my own, and of course accompanied by Running Man on my laptop.

People who are healthy in that sense think, "Oh well, it's not difficult at all. You just have to do physiotherapy and yes, you recover in like a year!"

I have come to terms that people who have never experienced what you have gone through will think that action directly leads to outcome. If only life was so easy... 

We tend to forget that life isn't as straightforward as it sounds, as we forgot that agony, fear of falling, despair all came along with the injury.. It didn't incur to them the fact that one has been suffering from this for years, it has affected the person more than another can ever imagine.

The outsider would think "C'mon la, just get out of it!" But they didn't know that your knee bone structure is unique and your condition doesn't do as well as people who had a ligament reconstruction due to sports-related injuries. They didn't have total understanding no matter how hard you explained to them; only you know and only you had all the pain that the condition brought you played it all out in your head. Don't judge if you have inadequate knowledge about something; life is about being humble.

Yes, some people live by the philosophy -- if you have a problem, deal with it! Don't run away from it and hope for a miracle someday. The thing is, I need a miracle. Don't you think after so long you have known me, that I can be determined when I want to? 

My story has always been - work hard if you want to achieve greater heights. I tried, I can tell you I did, but the thing is, disappointments after disappointments gradually exhausts me, mostly mentally and emotionally. The resilience I used to have slowly self-destructed.

I guess it's really, really hard for someone to empathize with you, unless the person goes through it themselves.

Some people said, "WHY WHY are you always not careful? U know you have this problem, then you should learn to be extra careful!"

Imagine being careful for every step you take. How careful can you be when your upper leg suddenly lost strength and gave way just like that? How careful can you be when you can just step on a tiny rock and fall?

"OH, u poor thing! I'm so, so sorry.." was the reaction of a person whom I just met.

WHAT ARE YOU SORRY FOR? Sorry that you are blessed with not having this condition and I am not? Oh please, don't say anything. U are just gonna make it worse, I promise.

"Oh u know, I told my husband about your condition. He asked why not you try knee guards?" 

Did I not try everything already?? If knee guards work, why didn't I wear them? Why did you think that I didn't try hard enough?

Dogs love you and accept you the way you are, limping or not, and sometimes I sincerely hope some humans can do that too.

Please, friends, the next time you see someone limp, think of me; if you care about the person, don't talk about his/her condition. Almost every human she met on the streets has talked about it; she really doesn't need more "advice". She is only willing to talk to someone who did the same surgery before, someone who totally emotionally, spiritually understands her journey towards recovery. Just walk at his/her pace and treat him/her as someone without the condition.

She doesn't need your sympathy and/or your extra care, I promise. Don't torment her by imposing shame and guilt on her anymore. 

She is not stupid; she knows herself and her condition the most, and she knows that only she, will walk out of her condition and misery herself.

No nagging nor comforting words will help.

Appreciation

Two years into my career.

Like many, I have more or less achieved a steady state in my work; stability has set in and the fact that I am sure of it, makes me feel even more stable. Once you are feeling how used to the job you become, it gets a lot tougher to leave the workplace for another opportunity. You know, the next step to stability in the workplace, is to find a peer, someone who is the same level as you and understands your challenges, frustrations, and fears.

You can have a best friend somewhere but it's imperative to have one in your workplace, because he/she will play a key role of why you look forward to work everyday. 

I am proud to say that I have such a friend at work, and her being there for me is what sustains me through the difficult times. After she left recently (didn't manage to make her stay, boohoo), I felt a part of me disappear.

In my last post, I said it was time to put things into perspective and I meant it. I thought of leaving; mainly 'cause it's been two years and I still work day to night almost everyday, partly 'cause the good doctor has the abundance mindset and extended my help to every doctor in the department, and of course the fact that this colleague left and there won't be anyone like her anymore.

From the moment she tendered her resignation, I guess everyone, including the good doctor, sensed that I was feeling rather lousy. As usual, annoying Junwen asked everyday if she left, just to rub salt into my wound.

You know, I didn't let my emotions spin out of control at work but eventually actions can't lie, as my aura of sorrows that lingered in the air wherever I went has begun to engulf some people. Haha! He came and talked to me, and one of his words were, "We have our priorities, and you are important to us." 

What this boss did was something I felt my ex-boss failed to do. He has always always been appreciative of whatever things we do and he made it a point to thank us in whichever way we helped, big or small.

Also, recently, the good doctor made the small doctor our Programme Deputy Director, and so that was how the small doctor became my boss too. It was more assuring when the small doctor who has been following the good doctor and being arrowed to do more than ever (like me), said , "I suppose that you like what you are doing, and I think if you stop doing what you are doing because you are too tired, it will be a waste. I'll talk to him and see if we can get some help."

Geriatricians of this hospital are really, a unique set of doctors. Geriatrics is not the most glorious kind of specialty and one of the least money-making, but geriatricians of this hospital did not go into geriatrics because they want the fame or the money. They just, simply, have the heart to serve and care for their patients.

Oh well, it's hard to leave even though I told myself that I should have been enjoying weekends, having some personal time, and hanging out more with friends and family. Nothing in life is perfect, and well, I should never expect to fulfill my unrealistic hope. I like my job and my boss, and I should appreciate how blessed this is.

Ratchy and Brownie.

                                

26 Sept 2015

We got married, officially! :D

The SOSD volunteers only became more acquainted with Simba after the B Pups came for stay-cation at our place. Not knowing how he was like before, they didn't know what to expect from him and imagined a day that he might just release the puppies back in the wild in a fit of anger. They were cleaning and tidying up the house daily, buying stuff for him, and apologising all week round, in fear that he might lose his cool one day.

At the end of the stay, Simba did not lose his cool despite the mess and lack of sleep (which is predictable), and the volunteers were very, very grateful and at the same time, surprised.  They said, "Your husband is kind, and he is so accommodating... He is awesome!"

Seeing how Simba treats the dogs is earth-shattering - okay maybe not for you, but definitely for me. Haha! Not disciplining them and always standing on their side, even when they did wrong really makes me wonder what kind of dad he will be, if ever we have kids. I guess I have to slowly get used to the fact that he will spoil them big time, cos like an old man, Simba is resistant to change, whether it is to change in the environment or the change in himself.  Although he is a shrinking violet who appears soft and withdrawn, he has a stubborn streak. Haha! Nevertheless, Simba is still awesome!

Here is one of my favourite photos from the busy but joyous day:

Blogging has always been what I take pleasure in and it was also a platform where I can reflect and spend time with myself, but for the last two years (since I joined the workplace), work had taken over my life, taken over not only blogging, but going out, online shopping and spending time with anyone at all, including Simba. 

Spending a great deal of time at work doing work, and also almost every day after work doing work was draining me out; I knew it but somehow I lived my life in transparency; as though there was nothing so wrong to stay the course in my early career, which cost me almost everything else - time with family and Simba, exercise, time for myself, my weight, my operated knee etc. (Ok, I started binge eating and in doing so, added alot of stress on the knee due to the weight gain.)

I have been oddly basking in happiness and satisfaction at work, I can describe it as almost euphoric! It's odd it's crazy. These two years I learnt and matured, experienced learning in a different (different good), restoring way, much more than what boring didactic lectures in school have taught me. Having been exposed to several opportunities and entrusted with multiple roles, I felt empowered and had this drive which oddly came from somewhere within that seemed beyond my control. If I figure this out correctly, all of these motivation stemmed from the good doctor and the knowledge that he would be there for his staff (including me) whenever support is required.

And I think the word is 'blossom'. I blossomed. My newfound confidence to present work to nursing directors and doctors, and  things for me to accomplish and be better at them each time have made me a person who doesn't mind going to work every day.

However, now is also the time to put things into perspective; to think about whether work is worth this much of a sacrifice, and to strive to achieve a life which I think is appropriate for me, my small family which consists of me and Simba, and my foster dogs.

-----

Ratchy, 11 months old, and adopted on 17 Jul 2015. 

His adopter passed away due to an unanticipated accident, leaving behind her husband and him. Traumatised and overwhelmed by grief, her husband gave up on him eventually. He was back to us a month ago.

Ratchy was one of the cute looking mongrels around, rescued together with his siblings and mum. They were the Transformer pups (don't ask me why) and his siblings are Jazz, Bumble, Primey and Spikey. When Ratchy was younger, he was notorious in destroying everything in sight, and unfriendly towards some dogs, all cats, and humans. By "unfriendly", I don't mean he stray away from strangers when he sees them. In fact, he would bite them, and it is without any warning or trigger. 

My volunteer friend was his foster parent, and having fostered about 15 dogs of various temperaments before, this was the first time her dad said (after Ratchy chewed and shredded their sofa into pieces), "Val, no more fostering dogs after this!"

You know, there's like a hidden curse in our organization. Dogs who appeal more to humans have a higher likelihood of failing homestay. Homestay is a week trial stay at the potential adopter's place before the adopter decides to adopt the dog. Ratchy failed four homestays in total, all for multiple reasons, before he found this kind adopter who was willing to work on his issues. It must have been traumatizing for a dog to move house five times all within a week. He took weeks to adjust to this adopter's place; peeing and pooping on the same spot took him a week He bit her once and our rehab volunteer visited her home four times to teach her how to "communicate" and love him in a way that he doesn't feel threatened.

Ratchy's happiness was short-lived when the adopter died two months later. My friend who used to foster him brought him home, taking the risk of chased out of the house by her parents.

Her own dog, Oreo, who was the friendliest dog around, was the first one who rejected Ratchy, and in response, Ratchy bit him on the second walk my friend took them for.

Oreo is a schnauzer, so from the start he was on the losing end in terms of size. He suffered a few wounds and became so traumatized that he couldn't bring himself to stay in the same room as Ratchy. He would run to another room to hide if Ratchy went into his room.

On the following day, My friend's brother was walking past Ratchy when Ratchy bit him before anyone could react. Just like that! It was two days in her house and her parents wanted him to vanish then and there.

My friend was at a loss. She scampered to find someone who was willing to foster him but always at the back of her mind, she knew I will not reject her request, so there was me as her last resort. As a Rehoming volunteer who is busy enough visiting homes and following up with adoption cases, I didn't sign up for fostering. 

There were three potential fosterers before me. Together with the potential fosterer A that night, they walked him, in the attempt to familiarize him with

 the neighborhood before bringing him back to A's house.

We were not expecting him to draw A's blood even before he entered her place. A's mum was petrified. Although A was still open to the idea of fostering him, her mum said there is no way he could stay in their house as he was deemed in her eyes to "unpredictable and dangerous".

My friend was stuck with Ratchy near A's house at 8 plus at night, not knowing where to head to. She called me a dozen times at night but I was away from the phone. Eventually, she managed to get another newly acquainted fosterer to help. The rehab volunteer then told my friend to go home and he took over, as he sensed that as Ratchy regarded her as a property of his, and anyone who comes near her will be treated as enemy.

It turned out that the rehab volunteer was right. Ratchy didn't feel intimidated in the new fosterer B's place after my friend left and peacefully spent the night in his kitchen. It was when I thought, "hey, maybe I don't have to foster Ratchy afterall."

It was just the next day that the fosterer wants to return him. Sighhh... He said his two boys fell sick overnight, and he couldn't cope. Whatttt... Sometimes some humans imagined themselves being kind by offering to help a street dog, but they were not kind enough when they thought caring for an animal is easy. Once the animal got to their house, they regret spontaneously. This is really not helping; you are just fabricating more problems for the volunteers like us, who work full-time and have family.

Oh well, the next fosterer C who was the backup for Ratchy took in another dog when we told her that night that Ratchy was well settled in the B's place.

And hence, it was how Ratchy came to me the following night. 

Many other volunteers who were closer to me asked me not to risk it. 

"Brownie will live in fear."

"Your husband and Brownie will be traumatised."

"Tell them to find another fosterer after a day at your place. Tell them you can't cope."

"He should go to the shelter; his behaviour is so erratic. I know it's cruel for him to be in the environment but there are volunteers who can train him."

However, you know, I always have this positiveness in me; it's like I was born with it. Deep down, I have certain level of confidence that both Simba and I can help Ratchy and I really feel like helping a mongrel.

Both Brownie and Ratchy are dominant dogs, but what the heck, I will just take things as they go. Maybe it

The rehab volunteer came by and helped "introduce Brownie to Ratchy". This is an important measure when you introduce a new dog into the family, as whether the dog and the house dog get along afterwards depends solely on how good (or bad) the introduction goes. He also shared with us some tips to handle them both and we were gravely thankful for that.

We were terrified, for the history he had with humans were unpleasant. Initially, when I first saw him, fear set in quick. He has that look in his eyes that can make your heart cold literally. He growled at Brownie as soon as they met, so Brownie the Coward's first instinct was the flight (never the fight) - she dashed at the first growl and whined. Lol.

As part of the "introduction", the volunteer asked us, Brownie and I, to walk around, circling Ratchy while he sat on a spot. I wasn't sure what I was thinking, but it is definitely wild thoughts. (Told Jun Wen to run home after work but he was still late; I guess cos subconsciously he was not sure how to face Ratchy. Lol.)

The rehab volunteer, Andrew and both dogs.

The dogs turned so calm and obedient in his hands; Brownie didn't even bark at any passing stranger and she sat down outside home. (She never did that before, and I thought it was because she thinks the floor is dirty. Brownie has always been hygienic. I was so wrong. Andrew said I shouldn't have humanised the dog, as afterall they are never humans and could not rationalize their actions.)

Then I had to walk both of them together. Had to clear my mind after Andrew advised, "Abandon the thought that he will bite you and he won't turn your thought into reality."

It was hard to pretend that Ratchy won't decide to just turn and bite Brownie. Brownie is half his weight and the bite wound is gonna be so serious.

Ratchy likes women more than men, and so it wasn't much of a problem for me to walk him. However, when Simba took over, he was so scared and fidgety. When Andrew told him straight to his face that there is a high possibility of Simba being bitten, I saw fear overcoming him in an instant. Lol.

 After a long walk, another necessary step was to introduce him to the house. Like a tour around the country, we showed him to every part of the house and let him smell everything.

All geared up for Ratchy's stay: 

- I bought Brownie a tee to protect her from Ratchy in case he decides that her flesh is yummy.

The tee which says, "I am not fat, I am just furry." Lol.

It was a size bigger for her, cos the size chart told me to get size L for a west highland terrier and I forgot Brownie is a terrier cross. :D

- Also bought lounge pants and slippers for Simba and I to wear at home. Haha!

His first night. He didn't sleep a wink. 

He was staring at us while we slept. You can't imagine how much fear that he instilled in me, and some volunteer friends of mine said Simba must be trembling in bed, fearing that Ratchy might lunge at him in the middle of the night. Haha!

Plenty of pics I took during his first 2 weeks with us:

Celene and Ashlee visited Ratchy the second night, and to celebrate Ash's birthday. They witnessed the intense and insecure look in Ratchy and was also overwhelmed with fear when they came into the house.
Celene wore jeans LOL. This was the first time I've ever seen her wear jeans!

And when Ash came in, he backed, and growled and growled, like he did to Simba first few days. She didn't dare to move an inch after that, and it was her birthday.

                           

Most of the time, they would copycat each other's action, which, to me, was so adorable! My friend realised that Brownie likes to peep into the kitchen, hoping that there's food. Haa. It almost looked like she didn't want to waste her efforts walking a bit more to get food. So lazyyyy!

                             

                              

     

      

     

     

       

   

Coming home to a mess everyday. Haha. The life of having a puppy at home; be prepared for the pup's separation anxiety if you were to leave him/her alone for 10-12 hours daily.

And my friend add caption to this pic I sent her. 

LOL!
Ratchy feigned ignorance and made Brownie the scapegoat.

    Walking them is a good way to lose weight. You just keep perspiring when they are attracted by different smells and move in different directions.

Regardless, having a dog or two will be the best choice you will ever have made in life. They love you more than anyone else does and most of all, if you love to talk and no one listens, a dog will be your the right companion for you. But don't buy a dog anymore, cos if you do, you are encouraging more puppy mills, a place where dogs are kept in cramped areas for breeding exercises. Also, dogs which aren't sold by a certain time will be put to sleep.

Adopt, don't shop.