It's almost a week after the break up.
The sky has become grey, not blue anymore.








I'm learning to cope with it.
I am trying to move on. i still cry in the mornings on my walk to class. But time has lessen the pain in my heart.







My heart is more peaceful now. I'm glad that i see joanne and ting in the hostel everyday. The sight of them cheers me up and kept my mind off unpleasant things








Finally...
No more sleepless torturing nights
No more quarrels
No more fear
No more difficulties in breathing
No more heartaches
No more trying hard
No more forcing myself against my will









Only when i let go of the past, then i can grab hold of the future. I will move on and i hope u will. U have to pick yourself up and live on with your life. Drowning yourself in sorrows wont help u get better. Like what u have said, time is the best medicine to heal our hurt.







i can't give u one last chance anymore. i have given u too many. i have given in so much that i am not myself anymore. i told u to love me for who i am then, not who i am in the future.






i will always keep u and our memories in the depth of my heart.









It hurts me to see him so hurt. But my heart has hardened. i will never turn back.








i am greedy. i need someone who loves me more than i love myself. Not someone who loves me as much as i love him.

Falling in love is easy, falling out of love is hard.
This is the 1st time i can feel my heart in pain. Sharp pain. That kind of suffocating pain. i thought i could die from difficulty of breathing. i lost my appetite and lost weight. I lost sleep too.











Take 10 knifes and stab directly into my heart, it doesnt hurt as much as the emotional pain.
My poor heart is already weak from young, now other than it has to pump blood to the rest of my body, it also has to experience the tension and stress constrainting it. It doesn't relax as much as it contracts anymore.











Tears fall day by day. I dunno when they will stop rolling down my face. Thoughts followed me all the time. i thought my mind is going to explode.













i have mastered the art of quickly hiding up my tears in my eyes. i couldn't concentrate in lectures, my ears are blocked and my eyes are red. Whenever Bi Er called me, i will be "Huh?! Can u repeat what u just said?"












He was once the angel of my life, once my protector and once the reason for my existence in life.
How can i ever forget? The pain i've inflicted in him i will never be able to feel it. All i know is alot and alot and alot..











I go into a relationship not to break up in the end. I go into a relationship because i want to live with him forever.



















I am sorry.. Our problems will neber be solved. I have faith in u for many years. But each time the disappointment is too much for me to bear. I know i i'm too selfish to only think of my own feelings and not yours. I am very sorry. We can never be like before anymore. When the bonding is weak, u allow intruders.

I dont need u to drive a car, own a big house and give me money in the future. All i need is u, your attention and your care.

i will be strong. i wont commit suicide or self abuse. I owe God, Mum and Dad my life. Don worry girls. I will live through the heart break, whether it takes 1 year, 2 years or many many years.

Things are falling apart.
i cant believe that everything happens so fast.








Am i thinking too much?
Have i found the best one?
If i have, why am i so insecure?










Should a woman be contented with what she has or should she fight for more?
Why..? i cant believe myself. i dunno myself anymore. Why have i become like this?
i'm an idiot.








i'm 21. i've changed. i used to think naive. Now i'm getting so complex. i dunno wat i'm doing. i've been running away, refusing to face myself.

Give me 2 weeks, i will come up with a decision.

What shall i do?
What shall i do?


I dunno. Really dunno.

My colleagues and i in aijisen!
Maggie was so sad over not being able to have Kids' meal there.
I didnt know that they dont allow people above 12 years old to have kids' meal. Then why do MacDonalds allow me to have Happie Meal?







That day in school, Jun Wen almost got knocked down by a reckless P Plate driver.












We were crossing the road behind this car when it suddenly starts to reverse.
That girl didnt check her rear windscreen and started reversing.





Sharon pulled us all back but Jun wen was already in front. He was slowly crossing as the car was slowly reversing. But it suddenly picked up speed!!








We, the girls were all shocked and shouting his name!
In that split of the second, my mind drew a blank. I could picture that small build boy flying off and landed on the hard ground few metres away.











Luckily, that IPPT Gold boy has got fast reaction and run fast.
Phew! i was so relieved that tears welled up in my eyes.
He broke out in cold sweat though.
















26th Jan-

Went a jap restuarant at Clarke Quay with my poly peeps!
We got 15% off as Jason's bro is the chef there. HoO wOo!
Got so full, very full, super full!









A Zouk night out too!
Daniel wanted to treat us drinks but i couldnt understand why he is always so lucky.
There is free flow of drinks that night till 12am.
So.. as a auntie, i drank as much as i can. HAHA









Got super drunk. This is the 2nd time i got so drunk.
I finally understood that feeling of being fully drunk.
So that drunk feeling isn't so gd after all.














i walked slant slant
Need my frens' support down the stairs
i hugged ting and joanne i tink a dozen times
i walked past people and hit them
i felt like sleeping and ting shook me and i shook myself too, haha
Bad headache
i only know i'm hui jin, i only saw joanne and ting making some hand signs to me, cant really understood or hear wat they are telling me.
The lights are shining brightly on me but my frens' faces are disappearing.
i feel like falling
i don even know which hands are ting's and which hands are joanne's.
to keep myself awake, i did many knee exercises.
HAHA








That is the meaning of
"ai lim mai mia (hokkien) - Want to drink, dont want life"
"Gian peng gian sai"





HAHA

Happy 44th mth anniversary to us!



I love Dec, Jan, Feb, Mar, Apr and Mays!




Dec- Xmas
Jan - English New Year and Chinese New Year
Feb - Valentine's Day
Mar- Wei Der's Bday
Apr - My Bday
May - Wei Der and my 4th Year anniversary!





After i got my license, i smile even in my sleep everyday!
The sian-ness has eased.
:)





I miss k-boxing!






I will be staying in hostel with Ting from next week onwards. That's the power outcome of nagging mum everyday to let me stay there!
*Excited!*










I will be only coming back home on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays.







Ting will be driving me to place our things in our room first. Mum says i got to:



Pay for my hostel fees
Pay for my shampoo and soap
Wash my own clothes and not bring back my clothes for her to wash a week's load
Pay for all my meals
Stock up cup noodles and tidbits myself









I will be the poorest girl. i hope i can survive with $420 per mth from teaching tuition. Keep my fingers crossed*
Somemore my frens said they lost alot of hair eating outside food all the time. I hope i wont!










Wanted to bring my fishes along. But somehow i'm afraid that they may not adapt to new life in my campus. So decided to leave them in my room. I wll definitely miss them.












Wei Der was worried that i wont be able to take care of myself as i'm always sick. It's time to learn to be more independent. i'm turning 21 yea.

HAPPIE 21ST BIRTHDAY TO THE JANUARY BABIES:



Ling: 9th Jan

Jay: 14th Jan

Shellen: 15th Jan



Hope ya enjoy your birthday!





Had a busy but enjoyable week last week!







Wed -



Went Zouk mambo night with Wei Der.

This is the first time i went clubbing with him.

I got to go into the Velvet section because of him (only for 23 yrs of age and above for guys)!















I suggested taking a photo after we sat down for a drink.






























i was holding the camera and smiling when he turned and said "WAIT!" Then snap! Oops Sorrie!

















He took that cup of beer and we posed for another picture.

We looked drunk and sleepy. Red people.



















I thought that all songs played are really nice! Everything is well except that there were a bunch of guys drunk and misbehaving. Well.. they are drunk.. Cant be blamed. Wei Der nearly got into a fight. Hoo.. i covered his big glaring eyes and adjust his face away to prevent a big disaster from happening.










11th jan --



Ling's 21st bday chalet!









I stole this pic from xue's blog!
Saw the presents we bought ling?
the dress, the jeans and the bag! Too bad she covered her jeans with her bag!
We wanted her to catwalk with her outfit.
Ooo.. Miao is in China.. Maine isn't free.. It seemed a long long time since i ever slept with my sisters. the last time was .. a stayover in my house i guess?




















Her 3 poly peers came too. They intended to scare Ling but scare me and ying instead. It just happened that Ling was in the toilet. Ying and i went opening the door. There were then 3 screams, followed by 2.














3 loud ones from her frens to scare.
2 scared loud ones from Ying and i.



The rest of the pics will be up after Ling got her com repaired. :)












......








12th jan -

lunching at Ajisen with Maggie, Jia Yun and Heidi.
Then Shellen's 21st bday buffet.
Wows.. HAPPENING SEHS!
i'll talk more on my next blog after i got the pics. hehes.















14th jan-






i finally have what i desire most. The 'P" plate. The ability to drive without guidance. THE LICENSE TO DRIVE!

Many people would write down a long list of resolutions before a New Year's start.









i never had this habit cos i am too lazy to write. But i still try to be a better student, fren, daughter, sister, girlfren etc etc each year.













But for year 2008, i have 2 resolutions

- to pass! to pass! to pass!
- to take a photo with Loy. hahas!










And i promised myself to donate blood if i pass.
I always wanted to donate blood but there is always no motivation to overtake the fear of the needle!

















There will be a blood donation drive in NTU from 15th to 18th jan. i will be donating on the 18th. Encourage me ya!

















This was a very very tough learning journey for me.














I remembered twice i lied that i have fever so that i dont have to see my instructor.
I remembered tearing on my way home from some lessons.
I remembered wanting to give up again and again.
I remembered not being able to sleep before some lessons.
I remembered demoralising myself so much.
I remembered the words my instructor said to hurt me.




















Now...

I only remember clearly 14th jan when my tester looked into my eyes and said,
"Girl, you can drive.. Congratulations." and that he ticked the checkbox next to the 'pass' word.
That whole picture kept appearing in my mind.
























And also that when i reached the lecture hall, Bi Er, Carine, Jun Wen, Joanne, Sharon, Bi Han and Suaidah were smiling to me! Thank You guys!









Ling told me to tell her only when i passed. LIng.. I PASSED!


















U cant imagine how overwhelmed i was. I was in my school toilet wiping away all my tears beofre going to lecture. Tears of joy! i was so happy that i havent eaten much these days!





















The night before, i made a simple prayer:



"Dear God,
I dunno how long i still need to endure through this torturing days. I pray that tomorrow no matter what the results might be, i wont cry. Even if i do, it will only be tears of joy.














In Jesus' name i pray,
Amen"







Finally..
That 'P' plate that wei der bought months ago is definitely mine now.
Dad went to buy 4D on my license's reference number.
Mum calculated how much i spent on my lessons.
HAHA

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